the perfect girl

how can one tell the other that they love and care for them when in reality they have a whole other person they're telling the same thing to? how can one person be so cruel to break the heart of someone who truly cared about them and would do anything for them in a heartbeat?

i lowered all my standards, throw away all my self worth and endured all the disrespect for a man who have a whole ass family waiting for him at home. how did u think it made me feel after throwing all my morality into the trash only to be disrespected and used for my body. i've been through depression but never have i ever felt this darkness and alone before.

i felt dirty and cheap. like the girls my dad used to cheat on my mom with.. im no different than any of the girls,, im just the same. a slut, a home wrecker and a dirty no shame whore. its no wonder all guys only used me for my body. i deserve it. i have no self worth and i ruined others marriage. 

i wasnt raised in a good environment nor do i have any parent figure to look up to but i know better than to sleep with a married man yet i still chose to do it even tho i know it was wrong. i deserve to be use by guys like a dirty slut. i told myself i wouldn't be my mom yet that's exactly how i turn out to be. how did she get through it? the feeling of abandonment. not knowing what to do after u give everything to a guy and still get used and left.

everytime its the same. they love bomb me, get me drunk, sleep with me with no after care, the sinking feeling in my stomach after everything's been done, the sound of counting bills it hurts so much i cant barely breathe cuz i know it'll be the same cycle. 

i wonder if anyone would ever love me for me not just my body. what if no one ever sees me as me but as someone i portray to be? am i not worthy of love? am i not enough for them? what can i do to be seen as a person?