will the circle be unbroken

i wonder if i'll ever get better. will i finally learn how to love and accept myself. maybe in 5 years who knows? maybe i'll be more mature and could finally tell myself that all these while it wasnt me its them. but for now im guess im going to have to try and enjoy while living with a sickness in my head. 

i'd like to think of myself in 5 years. how i would act and bring myself. i wanna imagine me being happy, accepting the fact that no one is ever going to love me for me and that only i can love myself. i wanna imagine me letting go of the past that keeps haunting me. maybe even forgiving my father, mother and everyone who has done me wrong. it'll be like restarting a new life and it'll be happier and more colorful than the one im living in now.

but to tell u the truth i cant see myself living past 18. when i tell people i dont wanna live forever i mean it. not because im sad or depressed but i just cant see myself being 19 and still be alive. i wanna try to enjoy every moment while im alive and turn the bad ones into a good one. cuz what if there is no afterlife. what if its just darkness. i wanna live my life having no regrets. because i know i cant relive this live. no matter how much life has hurted and fucked me up, i want it to be something i have no regrets living for. 

if i could i wanna try to make it happen. to see myself in 5 years maybe i'd even say to myself "i guess life isn't so bad". i imagine myself going through a bad day and saying to myself "its a bad day, not a bad life" i wanna see myself being grateful and genuinely happy.