flowers and pretty things

once again i forgot that guys only ever look at me when they wanna sleep with me. so when a guy acts a bit differently like sweet and caring i got too excited and got attached way to quickly. now i cant blame anyone cuz i did this to myself. how did i even think a guy like that ever look at someone like me and have genuine feeling? way too funny but still i act stupid. i wonder when will a guy ever look at me and see me for me not for sex? am i not worthy of love? what do i have to do to feel like i deserve to be love? why is it so easy for others but when it comes to me it always the hardest. what do i have to do to prove to people that i am worthy of love? maybe im the problem. who knows. 

i wanna believe that he's different. i told him things i didnt tell anyone. about my dad and my mom. about the fact that i was suicidal. now he's just another stranger with my secrets. i wanna feel like i am worthy and deserving of all the love the universe has to offer but why does it never occur to me. 

was i not pretty enough? was i not smart enough? or was it something else? i try to make myself pretty with makeup yet in a room full of girls im still the ugliest one. i could feel the ugliness from my outside and my inside and it makes my stomach twist. i wish i could crawl out my skin and wash it with flowers and pretty things maybe when i put it back on i'll look just as pretty like those girls in the magazine that guys have their eyes on. then maybe i wont feel the ugliness anymore. 

or maybe it wasn't my appearance maybe it was just me. was i not funny enough? was i talking a lot? or was it because i didnt keep it sexual? i wish our head could connect like a bluetooth and maybe u would like me so much better if our brains shares the same things. then i wouldn't have to think what to say to keep u entertain. but its hard for me not to think that maybe im unworthy and undeserving of love is because its a combination of both my appearance and my actions.