disconnected

ive lived in one place my entire life and somehow my town still feels like it isnt my home. 

a fucking up combination of autism and transgenderism and whatever else i can name made it so that i couldnt connect with anyone when i was young, and i didnt even realize it wasnt supposed to be like that. its only been the last year or maybe less that ive felt a sort of injustice about it. there are people who have lived here for only a few years and know more about my town and the people in it than i do. 

the whole history of alienation i have makes me scared to try to join places that are explicitly inviting me. i was hesitant to join my school’s gsa because i didnt know if the people there would like me. i waited a long time to join my school’s lit club because i thought i wasnt serious enough to be allowed. but when i did join those places is when i kinda feel like my life became real. that sounds dramatic i know, but before that i hadnt known who i was and where i wanted to go and who i wanted to know, and now i do and i feel like ive opened up a world of new possibilities. 

but i still get scared sometimes. plenty of activist events in my town have passed me by because basically my autism. last weekend there was an event for trans art hosted at a church and i didnt go because i didnt know absolutely everything and i didnt know how to make the plans for it and i didnt know if i would have known anyone there but now that its passed im kicking myself for not pushing myself to go. 

its hard to describe the kind of anger i have at myself and at the world about this.