APRIL/4/2023

April 4th 2023 7:38 AM

Lyric: I'm going crazy, little tiny Hollywood baby

Mood: not so great 

I forgot to blog again I'm sorry :'(

It is once again my ten hour day. Let's see if I survive it this time.

Sometimes I just wish teachers would like...give me a break. Like some teachers are so obsessed with students being "lazy" that they'd rather I sit in silence doing nothing for hours than just let me get other homework done just bc it's not "time" for that homework...you know?

Will is sweet. I have a rough fucking day and I get to come home to him making me Mac n cheese <3 god it's nice to have him. Idk what I'd do without him. I'm gonna miss him so much over break it's insane.

Someone commented on my AO3 saying that they really liked my stupid HannibalxBreaking Bad fan fiction ༼ಢ_ಢ༽ I'm so honored but literally WHY do you like it it's sooooo bad lmao it's also literally 27,000 words. Lmao. I spent SO long on it. Realized yesterday that I've written around 120,000 words of Hannibal fan fiction in the six months I've known about the show. Why am I like this.

Lately I feel like I've been going back to my middle school mindset, both in good ways and bad ways. The good ways are that I don't want to be embarrassed of who I am and the things I like. I am unabashedly cringe and I'm okay with that. I love my interests loudly and proudly. I fill my art insta up with fan art and wreck my AO3 with fan fiction and destroy my TikTok with fan edits. It makes me happy. The bad ways are my mental health has been massively declining recently and I've been falling back into old unhealthy patterns which is...not good. Old unhealthy patterns are more dangerous when you're an adult who can actually like...do things. But I think I'll be okay. Hopefully.

Sometimes it hurts so fucking much to see pictures of peoples' yearbooks and proms and graduations. That should've been me. I should've had a table I always sat at in the cafeteria, I should've lit my hair on fire in science class, I should've had an awkward photo in the yearbook, I should be able to go to my high school reunion. That was all robbed from me. It sounds so stupid and whiny but those are really like...formative things that I didn't get to experience. "But not everyone has (xyz)-" yeah but you still went to school, right? You still interacted with other human beings. You weren't trapped in a house with only your family members for your entire adolescents. I literally lost my fucking mind under the weight of my own thoughts because I was never around other people. It was awful.

I think there is a good way to do homeschooling. I think it's possible to be healthy and well adjusted as a homeschooler. But the way it was done for me...was just not good. Trapping your child at home and controlling every fucking thing they do and never letting them speak to or even see another human their age? That's not healthy.

Anyway...I've just been kind of going through it lately. But I guess I kind of always am, aren't I? I'll figure it out, like I always do.

Song: Lemonade Soda by Coletta