guns fired underwater

im starting to forget myself again. i don't know what i did last week. even yesterday, after midnight clicks my memories restart. i couldnt tell you my name if you had a gun to my temple and a knife in your hand. its not a good feeling. its a melancholic symphony of hundreds of songs playing in my head at once. theres whispers and voices, playing as the devil and angel on my shoulders. some tell me to ruin everything, go back to old habits and just absolutely fuck everything up and over. others tell me how well im healing and how beautiful i am. i dont believe either. im static. the waters of the world splash around me and all i do is float. no sinking, no swimming, just laying on my back in the middle of the vast ocean. i dont think im going to see land in a long time.