Betrayal, rumors, friendship

Some names are changed due to privacy reasons.

A few months ago, I was betrayed by my closest friends. A rumor about me was going around, one that was really serious (and incredibly unrealistic, but I'll get into that in a moment,) and everyone decided, instead to bring it up to me and confront me about the issue, that it would be best to laugh about me behind my back and alienate me from the group. For awhile I was completely unaware. We had all stopped hanging less and less because I worked a full time job, and most were in school. My closest friend, Luke, was in med school, so I had no reason to be suspicious of how quiet it was. Not to mention, I had just recently dropped a guy in that group because he sexually assaulted a friend of mine, and I couldn't tell anyone out of respect for the victim. So I just left the group and said I wasn't going to be friends with him anymore for a personal reason. Back to my friend Luke, I had messaged him just recently about how I wanted to hang out soon, and asked him when he was next free. There was no indication that he had been opposed whatsoever, and we agreed on a weekend to watch our show and hang out. It wasn't long after that I was hanging with my personal close circle of friends, I'll call them Jay and Em, where Jay told me some disturbing news about what was happening in the group chat that I had left. (Please keep in mind, I was STILL under the impression that all these people except for a couple were still my friends. They took this as reason to believe that I just, up and left, and used this as an excuse to why they treated me in ways I'm about to explain.) Jay mentioned to me that I was a topic of conversation in said group chat, and I was a bit wary. What were they talking about? Did something happen? Are they choosing sides without me even knowing? I had a lot of questions, and paranoid ideas, since these people were basically 70 percent of all the people I trusted in my life, and I already was feeling super icky and betrayed just by this, but it got WORSE. I asked Jay if Luke was involved in this, since he was my BEST friend (practically my brother, I can't even stress this enough), and It would have absolutely terrible already if he was keeping things from me. Jay said that he didn't know, and advised I message him to ease my worries. I did, also after some advice from some friends saying I should message him, just to clear the air and feel less ashamed and worried. I messaged my friend Ash, saying, (and I quote directly from the messages) "Don't feel bad. I don't blame you for [being involved with them.] Luke hasn't said anything, right? That's the only one worrying me." Ash responded with, "No he hasn't. That I know of. Me and him ignore it." This gave me, in that moment of stress and betrayal, a smidgen of relief. Ash had kept this information from me as well, but when I asked, she was completely honest about how worried she was for me to react, and made that decision out of contempt for my emotional safety. She apologized profusely, and since then, long made up for it. On the other hand, I messaged Luke. Here is that conversation.

Me: "Hey, I'm very recently being updated on the way I'm spoken about over there in the group and I just want to bring up that If you feel you relate to how they feel about me or have participated in belittling me than I would like to know. I doubt it but I wanted to ask before I started overthinking. I would appreciate your honesty."

Luke: "Do you know why it's like that? Because everyone thinks you took advantage of [Jay] while he was high and you also said something about wanting to fuck [Jay] while [Lee] was still dating him. And the most I joke about is how you say things to make your very straight relationship gay somehow."

...I was in tears before I finished reading. Apparently, there was a rumor (I am still unaware of the source) that I (19 AFAB 5'3'') sexually assaulted Jay (19 M 6' something 200 lbs) while under the influence of pot. I audibly scoffed, at how surface level absurd it was that I had never heard about this until now. Not only that, I was dating someone under ABSOLUTELY queer context because I am TRANS MASCULINE and my partner was in fact NOT ATTRACTED TO ME FOR MY SEX OR GENDER. We were (and are) in a queer relationship. AND--- Apparently I wanted to fuck my best friend who.. Hadn't been dating Lee, he was just FWB, but okay. That's a LOT to take in. All I could respond with was, "I never said that." I was already defeated. I was angry. And he said it so harshly? Like he believed it too? I went straight into fight/defense mode.

He went on to explain that he never brought this up to me because he didn't feel like choosing sides, and there was no way to actually prove the truth. I told him that it isn't that hard to come to me and ask. He told me Lee and Jay were involved in the rumors, and Jay has since disproved that he was involved since he really got nothing but embarrassment out of it. Lee tracked because we had VERY recently got into a boundary struggle, and I cut her off. After I got very angry and told him several times that he should have come to me, as his best friend, he proceeded to tell me that it's a shitty world and to suck it up and make myself numb to it. The conversation went downhill very far after that and I ultimately had to block him because he was making fun of me for being upset. Jay sent me screenshots soon after of them mocking me in the group chat.

"Fay tries not to lose all her friends challenge." "LOL Fay hates me now."

Defeated, I spent the rest of that week ignoring Jay, (Since I thought he might have been involved, which wouldn't have made sense since he snitched on them but I was pretty out of it) blocking as many people from that group as I possibly could remember, and talking a whole lot of shit about them online. There was no other way for me to cope. I had lost 90 percent of my friends in one night, and it destroyed me. It didn't stop those people from still talking about me in the group chat, which I was still being sent screenshots from because I had a single friend on the inside. I ran into one of the ex-friends' out in public, where he muttered out a 'hey' and walked away, while attempting to hold in a laugh. Luke, out of nothing but pure audacity, found a program where I hadn't blocked him yet (THIS WAS MONTHS LATER), and sent me PORN AND GORE. PORN AND GORE!!!!!!! I was fucking baffled. I cried again knowing I was still a joke among them. Still, to this day, I have no clue how to fully heal from it. Sometimes I see something that reminds me of what I lost, something as simple as a song or a place we had once been, and I breakdown. I love my current friends, but I have to be as guarded and observant as I can to prevent myself from getting hurt again. I hate that this is how it is. I miss being oblivious before. I felt like getting all of this off my chest, it has been a very long few months. Thanks for reading.