happy april 1st?

lol my mind is always going a million miles a minute yet the second i try to express myself i'm fr mute. i need an outlet to figure some things out abt myself and as much as i hate talking abt my personal feelings and such on the internet i think rn it would be useful for me to attempt to help myself evolve with it. there's so much i don't know, and have been way too scared to try sooo ya. i'm v over that. feeling dumb and lacking the confidence to just simply take chances. not actually working on things that i care about and want to improve. it's been freaking years just swimming in my own misery and literally i feel so juvenile/stunted in my growth now realizing how far i've isolated myself just to avoid people having to deal with/hear abt my woes. i always wanted to just be myself and be ok with how i carry on..sadly i've been hella removed from that and now that i'm getting better it's also depressing considering how much time i've wasted?? like it's a slippery slope here. and in trying to "protect" myself i just became more rotten lol like "i don't like this girl and i don't want her around my friends".. n now with no one around i just picked up more bad habits to make me continue feeling bad abt myself/ashamed to be around ppl. bt now lol i don't have any friends really that give a shit anymore. 2 maybe?? 3 if it's an emergency. n i feel a bit sad about that. i have v hermit tendencies but atp it's making me feel worse knowing i'm wasting my 20's just bc i'm shy? n embarrassed to exist BUT i don't want to play myself bad like that. bc i'm already fckn 25 and i hate i'm now that mid 20's girlie being like "wow i was just 19 yesterday" bt srsly...i was just 19 yesterday ):  i know there's always time to be great, so ig that's really my point. i'm tired of waiting for some grand epiphany or miracle to enjoy and live life how i actually want. i have to work on my vision, actually take time to know my own interests, actually start dooooing my hobbies, go tf outside, learn something useful for fcks sake and yes..make new friends. and pls save money n travel too. it does just bewilder me i was too sad to do those things alone..lol so i don't think i'm wrong to feel like a complete loser rn but...i'm working on it. n using this lovely platform here to pretty much keep myself in check..see how things evolve. if i keep my word n actually push myself to explore who i am and what i'm capable of. 

albeit...weird time to be alive bt current theme: save urself first to save the world. 

God complex do be going crazy...bt yeah. something has to change and the lil dingus in the mirror is the first priority. 

bt me oh my. april 1st. i really don't wana pay these ppl rent. especially when chase is still holding my check hostage?? anyways...gonna rant abt this in my actual journal. evn tho it's been collecting dust since i honestly got it..smh

penny for me thoughts lol..i swear that's what stops me from posting every time bc i have a journal for a reason but i don't even keep up w that shit.  and concerning the internet i just...don't know how to be transparent like that. i don't lol and not sure i care to. so i be looping bc i just really do wana be on some haha hehe bullshit and post abt shit i've learned in a day, me actually learning how to use my instruments, random art + science projects.  talk abt books i've read, music, places i went to, places i want to go, things i'd like to do. bt knowing me it's hard to share those things and not talk abt myself n how i feel?? n i've been mia from my old socials for so long and randomly pop in on those n just feel like..under a microscope for even showing my face. lol i know it's a joke now but i literally cannot handle being perceived. ik ppl miss me bt i've have nothing good to say or share for so long it's like..i'm a ghost?? a friendly ghost. lolll so ig i just want to change...idk this entry here even seems hella psychotic and all over the place but ima still let it fly. i know i'm spitting but there's levels to this clusterfck i've created for myself. really tht tracks frm a super embarrassing trip i had tht made me spiral terribly bt im really on a mission to get back to being the lady of my dreams. i knowwwww there's a chance to still make myself proud of who i am for me. 

So..treating today like my new years. gonna be up by 7am and actually follow through on my to-do list. starting w drink more water, eat breakfast..sweat. even though it's easier said than done, it's one of those days where it feels like now or never to see myself out of this hell. bt anywho..i'm done fer now. Not sure how i'll really navigate things at the moment but this feels like a nice void to come back to sooooo err gonna make it a habit to post here more and hopefully eventuallllyyy connect w some cool ppl all the while getting my whole life together. (: anyways;; again. 

Happy, happy. Let's make it a great day. <3