Vent (TW: Toxic relationship, Sewerslide, S/H, comment on this if u want ig)

I have good parents, great friends, I'm a decent person. Why the absolute hell am I so depressed? Why am I so fucked up? Why do I lash out so easily? Why am I so goddamn childish? Why? All these "why"s but none get fucking answered and it pisses me the fuck off. I wanna kms everyday and yet I can't because two people I know very well will commit suicide with me and I don't want that to happen. I want to die and be forgotten so that I don't hurt anyone. I've hurt everybody around me enough and I don't need to do it again. I really want to take it out on my body so bad, I want to see myself bleed since it's what I deserve after giving everyone who loves me a god awful time. I don't even know how the hell I still have friends, I treat them like horse shit. I'm annoying, I always text them, I get mad and yell at them, I don't know when to stop, WHAT THE FUCK IS WRONG WITH ME??? HOW THE FUCK DO PEOPLE LOVE ME? I'm not pretty, I'm not even moderately attractive, I sit all day in my room wasting my time on stupid shit and I barely have a goddamn life outside of the internet. I won't take showers unless I go somewhere, my hair has gotten matted due to not taking proper care of it, I can't even remember the last time I brushed my teeth. I don't fit in anywhere, everyone I meet is always into reading or writing while I'm oversharing about my favorite video game characters and getting weird looks. I hate myself and I hate my life. I want to get hit by a car and die.

I can't hate him. It's not his fault, he was going through something hard and I left him. I don't know what he's doing now, we cut contact. Yes he treated me harshly and made everything my fault but that's not on him. He probably had BPD due to his past but I wasn't there to help him. I can't blame him, I blame myself. I promised I was going to stay and I didn't I just couldn't take it anymore. I feel awful for leaving. I miss him, a lot. I can't hate him, no matter how hard I try. He looked so happy, and was a great friend, but I couldn't handle everything he was doing. Guilt tripping, shifting blame, gaslighting, I couldn't take it. But I should have stayed. It would have been better for him. I'm a selfish prick anyways, he should have come first. But as always, I put myself first. What a stupid fucking move. Now I don't know what he's doing, he could have moved on, be having a great life but I don't know. I fucking miss him. I miss him a lot. And I can't do anything to get him back. I'm a fucking dumbass. I should have kept everything secret.