star maker

i really am the most lonely person in the world. or even universe.

there's so many things here but i can't connect to any of it

like i wasnt meant for it

for here

i've always felt far away even when i was a kid. one of my first memories is of me dissociating. it was my third birthday party, and i am being handed a present. i open it and everyone reacts. for a second the attention is no longer on me and i look up at everyone. i see their faces, but not really. i realize that i am looking through my eyes. i am not my eyes i'm inside looking through them, at everyone, i'm not there i'm in here. not with them. i've always been in my head. not just my thoughts but me. There's my brain, my mind, my body, and then me. 

i feel like a lot of people think me and my mind are the same, or my mind and my brain are the same but they are different. very different. a good way to describe it i think is that no matter what it is- my mind, body, or brain- it all happens to me. 

my brain and mind are different in the way that i can't change my brain but i can change my mind. like my brain will tell me there is a small animal moving in the corner of the room, or that there's bugs in the carpet, but my mind will know that if i look, that it will probably be gone. and both of these things-my mind and brain- happen to me, whether i like it or not. i feel like my brain and body have the most control over me, my mind does too, to a certain extent, but there's only so much i can tell myself to feel better when my brain and body are working against me and my mind. 

i think 'me' is disconnected with my mind and body and brain. somethings wrong with their interactions. i no longer feel like a person but i still have the makings of one. i still have the facade of humanity

 is this what it means to be human? the overwhelming feeling of being? is this what everyone is feeling? all the time? like this? like me? if so, how come no one is freaking out? because i am, and i think i am a pretty competent person. i've been dealing with it for this long and i'm tired. aren't you? we're not supposed to be like this. there's so much more don't you know it? can't you feel yourself bursting at the seams? aren't you tired of this? is this what it's like to be human? to constantly yearn for more? to be more? i don't know what we should become but it should probably not be this. and it has to be with each other. there's no point in becoming a star if you're the only one in the sky.

it's a very lonely feeling.