re-association diaries -day 25- Nov. 11, 2021

 i am trying to create a positive space where stories can be shared and related to, to help not only myself but hopefully others that may be struggling with similar issues. so please heed the warning before continuing. thank you :)

so i tried listening to more of hozier the past 10 days. i was successful in listening to from eden, which is a song i only kind of struggled with. more than the others, but not as bad as the rest. it was pretty in the middle.

i did try, though, to tackle one of the harder songs. but this past week or so has been really damaging for me. between my paranoid making a short comeback,and my fish passing away, it just wasnt a good time for me to try and continue my healing process and open more wounds. 

if i knew the song was going to hurt, i kind of skipped it. at least for now.

im trying to do this as healthy as i can, as i have a notorious past for ignoring my own boundaries and pushing them to their limits whether being fully aware of it, or being oblivious to it. 

either way, im conscious of it now. and im trying to heal. not tear myself down.

i tried to turn on movement, and it was hard. i got through maybe 30 seconds of it and realized i had completely dissociated for the beginning and had just realized what was going on. i turned it off immediately, especially since i was driving.

work song came on, and even hearing the beginning struck a chord with me and i immediately had to turn it off. same with foreigners god, to be alone, in a week and wasteland, baby!.

i tried to stick to songs i knew, but kind of still struck a chord. such as:

the first three are memories i have definitely repressed but can still feel that they are there. cherry wine just makes me sad, so im not sure whether to keep it in the same category as before. because to be fair it is a very sad song, and is meant to be heard that way,

but one thing i did remember in the car is hearing the songs play through again, and only an entire minute into the song did i realize it was foreigners god that had been playing.

foreigners god hits a really deep place in my heart that im still not sure if im really ready to talk about. but once i get to that song, i will obviously be here talking about it as it is the only way i can get through it. i was just honestly surprised i had dissociated that much. 

usually with songs like that i do it within the first 10-15 seconds, and only then realize i needed to skip it. but an entire minute?????!!! 

i knew it wasnt time to tackle it yet if i had been out of my own head for that long. it was kind of scary honestly. mainly because im a person that doesnt dissociate for long periods of time unless there is something really wrong. the most i dissociate is maybe 10-15 minutes while i drive or smth.

but it did bring back memories of when i was at my old job, i had completely dissociated for 1-2 hours.

 i dont know how long it was. i just remember re-awakening to myself cooking a sandwich on the grill and wondering how i got there. i hadnt remember taking this guys order, and i had even asked him if he was waiting on a pickup. 

he had gotten really confused and told me he had just placed an order. i turned around and realized none of my coworkers were on the line with me. 

so none of them couldve taken it. 

i even went around the entire store to 4 other people asking "did you guys take that guys order?" long after he had left. 

they had told me that no they hadnt taken it. 

and when i got to the last coworker, she told me that i had taken the order. i was extremely confused bc there were lots of orders on the shelves that i didnt remember doing, and now i had an order i was cooking and i didnt remember how i got there or what i was even in the middle of doing.

 i had went back to my friends at the time (i dont talk to them anymore) and i had told them about what happened.

 i hadnt exactly pinned it as dissociating but they both just go "bro thats called dissociating." and i just stood there stunned like....

 "thats dissociating? its so scary ive never experienced it at work, just at home where i can pick anything up where i left off" 

and they kind of just didnt reply to me after that. i was in shock, scared, confused. but they didnt exactly help me if i remember right. they didnt have to?i guess,,,,, 

i think they did at least listen,,, but im sure they didnt care.

they experienced dissociation a lot so i thought they could give me some tips or smth to help. they didnt. (idk what i expected, theres a reason why im not friends with them anymore).

 either way. dissociation hasnt ever been my friend, and tends to put me in situations i am not really the biggest fan of. its almost as if theres a side of me that just self sabotages when i dissociate and theres nothing i can do about it. or maybe the other self is just scared and hides when i dissociate. like how the driver can get out of a car even if the car is in neutral.

i had flashbacks listening to the angel of small death and the codeine scene. could i tell you what the flashback was about? no. but i remember it triggered Something. 

im going to try and listen to it again soon and tackle it, with maybe a kind of harder song to tackle, like to be alone or sedated. 

but until then,,,,,

stay safe and take care of yourself ! :)