last hope

i honestly and truly feel like i have accomplished as much as i wanted to accomplish in this life and theres nothing really left to do. at 19 years old i am so fucking burnt out and let down and just truly bored. i cant tell you how much of my life ive spent talking to strangers on the internet. speaking to people, trying to figure out if anyone actually has any hope or reason to do the things they do. and they dont. no one has any answers that have ever satisfied me. and now i am the happiest ive ever been. i have a lovely boyfriend, im safe. i eat well, i dont hurt myself. i dont fight with my family and i have some friends. but i still cant get out of my bed. i still cant get up and go to work and make a living and make a life like any normal person would. i just dont see a reason to. maybe its because i planned my whole life out so that i would be dead at 18. and here i am, still living. but im not. im not living. 

a friend recently told me that suicide is selfish. he said its the easy way out. but really, i dont care if its the eaasy way out. i want easy. because everything has always been so fucking hard for no fucking reason. for the first time in my life im not afraid of death. which is ironic, because i finally have the life i wanted. and now i dont want it anymore.