entry #1

hi im ell

im very new to this site and this is my first blog entry

Im feeling weird, today was odd. I felt a lot of feelings, like, dread. My friends are transferring schools next year, my life is trash, my grades are even trasher, my credits and gpa are the worst and all that dread is suffocating me. I feel sad because my friends are leaving me in a huge school with tons of people i dont know and i dont have many friends, i feel like they will leave me, eventually they do right? My friends are leaving me, my grades are leaving me and honestly if i knew me, I'd leave. I feel so fucked up, ive been thinking about everything ive said and done today and god its so suffocating. if you know me, you probably dont want to. My friends probably think that im annoying and i am. i have a stutter problem and often cant find the words to say. i feel like my friends are "bullying" me but i know its just banter, its a JOKE. so why do i feel so bad? why cant i get my life together, im fat, ugly and dress horribly, and i care so much about how people see me yet do nothing. I havent talked to my friends as regularly as i want to because im always busy, busy doing what you may ask? Watching shows, watching movies, distracting myself by the incoming doom of reality, is it so bad that i was to curl into a little ball and binge watch the fuck out of crime shows? Im supposed to be doing hw or well classwork i didnt do in class rn but im writing this. i had friends before, tons, they left and im pretty sure i caused it. I want to say sorry, i almost sent the longest paragraph saying how sorry and how fucked up i was. I didnt send it, i chickened out. i see them all the time and it fills me with dread, sadness and anger. i hate my past self and i feel like i havent changed as much as i wanted or i thought i did. i dont want this, my parents treat me like if they just look at me the wrong way i will up and kill myself, drink pills until i die. how do i get this to stop? when will the dread stop, the pain, the thoughts and everything stop, because i need it to. Am i just being dramatic? the question that i always ask myself is "am i just an attention seeker?" "do i actually feel this way or am i jsut guilt tripping myself into think im not ok?" I think i need therapy, but do i actually? Am i just dramatic or going insane slowly? dont answer of course also this isnt even all the thoghts i have just a few that ive been wanting to get out but ofc i have no one to talk to but the internet.

entry #1 over mar. 27, 23