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The first person I wanted to be was a girl from elementary and middle school. She had blonde hair and blue eyes, she was sarcastic but never mean. She was effortlessly funny and hated the same teachers I hated. She wanted adventure the same as I did, she allowed herself to get emotional, that's what I envied most, and when we graduated from middle school I wish I could've cried like her.
The second girl was online so I never knew her. She was Russian with sharp features. She lived in a giant house and her father looked like he was apart of the mob. At one point I couldn't tell if I loved her or just wanted to be her. It's always like that with girls.
The third girl was also online. She wore her body like a suit and had wild thick hair and a Brooklyn accent. She did coke and other drugs, she always looked out of it and sometimes you'd see her with black mascara tendrils running down her tan face. Her user had the words 'small town' in it but she lived in New York City. I always wanted to get away and be as animalistic as her. If I was any animal I would be a meerkat. She was a lion.
I've always indulged in wanting to be somebody else, now that I'm eighteen I have no fucking clue who I am. Someone older might tell me I still have a long life to figure that out but I stopped planning my life at thirteen. I thought I would be dead by now. The truth is I'm too scared to kill myself because I am afraid of failing.
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koregg
I'm not (that) much older, but I was there too. This is super relatable, as I was in the hospital for the whole suicide stuff at 18(or around there..who knows anymore lol). It's rough, always felt like I was trying to find the perfect person to be and never feeling like I had an authentic self.
I still struggle with it now, I still feel like i'm always imitating rather than being myself. I only slightly am able to break out of that mental pattern and realize that's just a part of being human, but it's so much easier to criticize myself.
I hope you find some understanding eventually, and I'll continue looking as well!
Thank you for this comment, it's genuinely comforting to know someone else has experienced this. I hope things get easier, or at least become clearer in terms of finding yourself.
I hope we can both find ourselves one day lol :-)
by Charlotte; ; Report
You’re super welcome! Validation is so important and life is too hard to go without it. Best of luck :)
by koregg; ; Report