Chin Up (I'm going to ruin your life)

    You've got 'chin up' tattooed on your wrist. I noticed when you were pressed up behind me, hands on either side of my head. You finish, kiss my cheek, and clean me with tissues. You say I look mad, I say it's just my face.

    I don't know how to talk to you. I don't know if I want to.

    I've seen your eyes closed, you're thinking of someone else. I'm just someone to fuck, maybe that's all I'll be to men. I don't know what I want, I want you but not really. Just like me, care about me, and think of me as a person. I'm so pathetic. I think I want you dead but I think I want myself dead more.

    I dreamt of you and woke up wondering if it was real. You were terrible to me in the dream. I think my body is rejecting you, something about you is not for me.

    Lately, I've just been crying and thinking of ways to go without leaving a mess of unsaid words and undone things. I wouldn't want them to think I'm killing myself over a man, I'm not. But he is a factor in my suicide and I hope he finds out.

    There would have to be no attempt, it's either going to happen or not at all. I'd hate to wake up in a hospital bed, I'd hate to see people worry.

    I think my decision to want to kill myself is final. I just don't know how to do it. That's always the issue, I never know where to start. Do suicide notes come before or after you know how you're going to die?

    Maybe I just want to disappear.

    It was so awkward and quiet with you last night. Something was different, probably me admitting to basically liking you. You don't like me, I can't even tell if you find me attractive. I hate not knowing. But would I want to know? How to die? If you like me? Where that 'A' tattoo went? How can you not be over your ex?

    I'd hate to be your girlfriend but I just want love from the man I lost my virginity to. You knew and did it anyway, shouldn't you feel guilty? But a body without a head and face is just movement.

    You still pushed me down. Just because it wasn't by my head doesn't make it any different you fucking fuck.