2022: a retrospective

so, clearly, it's a new year, and i really can't move forward with this year without reflecting on 2022. going into that year i already had so much stacked against me, like i was school captain, it was my last year of school, i had newer duties at work, i was in for a LOT. but overall, i wouldn't change any of it for the world, and i find it weird because in the moment, i dreaded these moments like CRZY, but now i just want to relive the entire yr all over again. so, it's abundantly clear that 2022 lowkey changed the trajectory of my life, and to gain closure, i'll be going into extreme depth as to WHY i hold it near and dear to my heart despite simultaneously being the worst year of my life

i would do a monthly breakdown but i seriously cannot remember that much my memory depleted after spending too much time on my devices 

HOME

currently, the house i'm living in hasn't served me the best of memories. throughout the years, there've been many arguments, many breakdowns, many exchanges of bad news, the list could go on. ever since i moved here in 2019 i had a horrible feeling about this place, and as time has told, i was clearly right. anyways, my home-life this year has been a up/down spiral to say the least. i mean, i literally started off the year with contracting covid and then finding out my cat was sick (thankfully he's still with us), which definitely lowered my spirits and had me convinced that this year was OUT to get me... 

additionally, my parents would usually argue which made me extremely uncomfortable in my own home, aaaand i of course cried. a lot. in my bedroom with all the lights off. i shouldn't romanticise those times but i weirdly miss it ???! and i can't even explain why so i hate myself fr. i think i miss it because most of the time i would be crying because of how "lonely" i was, and how i was single and every damn person i knew was in a relationship or on the verge of falling in love with somebody. it didn't help that i had crushes on people as well, so i would fantasise a lot with those people and then get sad because they weren't real! 

i shouldn't disregard the positives though. i guess i should start by appreciating the fact i had a roof under my head, and a bedroom to sleep in (sounds pretty cliche lol), with said bedroom undergoing countless changes. for starters, i got a new bed and wardrobe for my birthday, and i got rid of ALL my old posters, and prioritised having pictures of memories throughout the year. also, i (finally) got a tv in my bedroom which has been subjected to my countless interests overtime, and my aunt (who i haven't seen since 2019) came to stay with us for a few months, which i won't go into detail about, but it should be known that i'm very close to her. so being able to reconnect with her was for sure a highlight (i miss her rn btw :-()

for the most past, not much to say about my home life, but home is where the heart is, so love u @family \(^_^)/ 

SCHOOL

now, school definitely something i can remember, since as i mentioned earlier, there was a LOT to do... so, going into school i was already met with a strenuous schedule. being school captain, one of the first events i had to do was the leadership camp, which was SUPER fun... it gave me a chance to get to know the leadership team really well and just.... let loose lol. i'll never forget how HORRIBLE the motel was... i felt like i was in an alfred hitchcock movie when i had to take a shower there... it was so bloody dirty and my friend was calling me at night freaking out because she was convinced her room was haunted. on the other hand however, there was this really cute dollar store there, and i purchased millions of keychains and craft tools which i STILL had, but when you're at a DOLLAR store, you already know what kind of quality you're in for lmao. now, the downside of this whole trip had to be how i felt towards the end... i can't remember why but i was so anxious on the last day, and then after the actual leadership duties were done, i honestly felt like everyone hated me because the other leaders were talking to me in such a rude manner, like.... i get they're kidding but girl, it was pretty hard to tell when their negative behaviour towards me was becoming increasingly consistent *sob*... anyways, i remember being so happy that the event was over, getting in my mum's car so we could pick up my sister from work

well, that was the end of that event. afterwards, the rest of the few months consisted of basic school work and little leadership meetings here and there, but looking back, i regret not... enjoying the simple moments as much. you know, those moments where you'd be sitting in class, talking to your friends sitting right next to you whilst Trying to do classwork? i really went from having my friends in all my classes to having zero close friends in any of my uni classes! isn't that lovely.... /s but here are some more, significant moments from my time in school...

i won't go into full detail about this event, but it was this yearly "event" (idk if i can even call it that) that my school hosts... not many leaders came to help but 2 out of the 4 people that came were my close friends so i was fine. i was there for around 11-12 hours and towards the end of the event, there was literally nothing to do + it was night time so i went and explored the school with my friends! it was super fun and super liberating having the freedom to walk around the school without an entire care in the world, which is one of the reasons why it's a core memory. however, the other reason, which i regret to reason, is the fact that i was hit with so many different emotions. i need to start from the night before this event actually happened: so my mum got me this book filled with quotes about love, overthinking, basically any internal issue i faced that year, and the quotes got SO personal that i started bawling my eyes out in front of her, and basically started venting about my life, my emotions, how i felt like such an outcast in my own friend group, and it's one of the first moments i can say i actually opened up to my parents (as a teenager). anyways, moving onto the day of the event, everything felt great, i woke up early, walked to school (and it was cold outside so i wore my scarf), ordered a coffee at the cafe i went to everyday, and sat down on this empty bench, writing in my diary whilst flipping through the pages of the book. again i could feel the tears rolling down my face but i sucked them back up, and walked to reach the school gates. hours later, i was helping volunteer with the event until i see this boy, he was a leader, and i knew him for years beforehand but this was the first time we really started getting close to each other, so i acknowledged him like the kind human being i am and he ended up staying around for a while. now, something about his presence was so alluring, i was so drawn to him at one point cuz he's so bloody endearing and enigmatic. anyways, once the event ended, i looked back at all the time i spent with him during the event, and slowly realised i had feelings for him... but i tried so hard to deny them because i was talking to this other girl at the time... and i truly thought she was going to be the one for me. but basically, i walked home that night, listening to music yet again whilst being completely LOVESTRUCK. so basically, what i'm trying to get to is the fact that i had no idea so much fucking emotion could be thrown at me in just one whole day... liberation, freedom, sadness, happiness, lovestruck, THE WHOLE DAMN THING, and i fear that it was just the beginning of my emotional journey

fast forward one month later, after many diary entries and trips to that same cafe with my friend, i realised that i had a full blown crush on this boy. i stopped talking to the girl considering it was an online relationship and i wasn't really online due to school... so that gave me the time to really focus on him, and understand my feelings to see if i was really falling for this person. my school was hosting a ski trip so this would've been the perfect time to get as close to him as i possibly could, and we were going on the damn snow for crying out loud, SNOWBOARDING/SKIING !!! fast forward to the actual trip itself, i'm really enjoying my time on the snow. learning how 2 snowboard took some time, but once i learnt it i felt amazing, and to top things off i was with all my close friends + the boy. one thing i forgot to mention about him is that he's very touchy feely with all his friends, so it's really hard to read him. anyways, there were times where we'd be sitting next to each other, talking, taking selfies with one another, and that honestly gave me hope that some sort of connection was there, but there was this one night... he was hanging out with some of his and my friends, and then i walk in on him crying over something, hearing the words "i really like her..." leave his mouth, which automatically crushed any sense of hope i once had, so i left that situation and went to tell my CLOSE friends about it. i went into their room, started i guess ranting about it, and then one thing lead to another, and i find myself crying over some stupid BOY AND my friend and her boyfriend (who i saw kissing each other goodnight the night before). my closest friends know me through my written rants/vents, so not once have they seen me cry over something so... sentimental (?) like this before. looking back i'm still shocked over the fact that i was like... 99.9% vulnerable with these people, for the FIRST time. anyways, considering that boy was in the same cabin as me it was hard to sleep knowing the emotional ass night i had, and in the morning i wasn't the happiest looking person of the bunch... one of my friends even asked why i looked so glum, which i still appreciate... however, when i was in the snow, i just felt all those emotions leave my body, which made things so much better. with this ski trip, all the stars aligned, i felt closer to my friends than ever before, my snow was a form of therapy, and i was emotionally vulnerable with my CLOSE friends, which brought us even fucking CLOSER !!! this ski trip was wholeheartedly one of the best experiences of my life, and is basically the main factor in why i speak so highly of 2022. it's unfortunate that basically everything went downhill after that though

two months later, in the midst of sitting exams and living our last days of high school students, i find myself still having wild feelings for the boy, as well as my friend and her boyfriend (the people i mentioned in the previous paragraph) and made the decision to confess to all 3 of them at graduation. this thought basically controlled these last few months, and i decided that i was going to confess through a typed up letter. so, throughout the last term, i'd be practicing what i was going to do, what i was going to say, how i was going to lay the confession on them... and suddenly i find myself at the last EVER day of school, which was honestly pretty boring so for time's sake i'll just move onto graduation and formal, which were BOTH boring as hell. but, at the end of the graduation ceremony i gave the gifts to my 3 crushes, and to my delight, they all sent the back the most heart-warming messages EVER, like... girl i still think about these letters, on a damn daily/weekly basis. after writing the confessions however, i honestly thought it'd help me abolish the feelings i once had for them, but no... i was invited to a party and all 3 of my crushes were there, so being accompanied by them just made me really sad, and made me realised that the "getting over them" process was gonna be even harder than i expected. i was dumb for thinking i could gain closure in a single day, but hey formal is here... which was the most underwhelming shit show ever, but i'm supposed to be talking about the SIGNIFICANCE of this event, so i'll just move onto my next point. anyways, ALL that happened in one single week, and it surely is a week i'll never forget... 

judging by the size of these paragraphs, you can already make the assumption that SCHOOL was eventful, i was busy 98.9% of the time, whether it be with actual work or with my emotions, but damn... i really miss it all. now that i've graduated i can't experience the innocence of high school love, or my comforting before school routine ever again... however, if it weren't for these events, i don't think i would've been as in touch of emotions as i am today !!! through the process of opening up it's made me more confident in the sense that i'm slowly but steadily learning how to open up to people more, so as much as i may look at these events with a sour and regretful face, i will forever cherish the memories i've shared, not only with my 3 crushes but all the friends i met along the way !!! :-)

also, just a little shoutout to all the teachers that helped 2022 be less... shit. like, this was the year where i would speak with literally every teacher, which is something i wouldn't usually like doing... but they are honestly better than the students. i'll have to mention the school infrastructure as well because some places in my school were honestly the best... i had many relaxation spots where i could just sit in peace, write in my diary, and pretend to be the mysterious main character. mentally, as of 2023, i'm still IN some of these places, i'm letting the delusion overtake my body atp 

MUSIC

so, in conjunction with my school and home life, music played such an integral role, setting the scene for most of my emotions. i've mentioned my delusion many times before, but i lowkey thought i was the main character TT, but i've HUMBLED myself, and realised i was merely a melodramatic piece of crap! anyways, here are some songs that define 2022 for me 

• TEK IT – CAFUNÉ – starting off strong, i had this on heavy rotation for many months. the lyrics to this song helped me solidify the crushes i had, used it to fantasise most of the time, but all in all, a great song to walk to while watching the sunset, or when ur gazing the stars upon nightfall :3 i also found this song when i was in my bl anime brain rot era, sasaki and miyano you will always be famous
  
  
• YOUNG LUV – STAYC – this was the song that helped me... realise i had a crush on That boy. the beat is amazing, the vocals are amazing, the lyrics are so sweet and ironically enough, relate to how i was feeling in that moment, so it holds a special place in my heart. the title itself suggests high school love, which is another reason i find it very significant. however, it's a very nice song to walk home (at night) to
  
  
• BOYISH/KOKOMO, IN. – JAPANESE BREAKFAST – okay so for boyish, there's this one lyric that describes my emotions so well ("i can't get you off my mind, you can't get yours off the hostess, watched her lips reserving tables, as my ugly mouth kept running"), and it's stuck with me ever since, because i was always the one with the ugly mouth that kept running whilst my crushes were the ones watching someone else's lips "reserve tables". i've never related to lyric so deeply before so it deserves a spot here
  furthermore, kokomo in was a song i used for one of my instagram posts (it was a post of me and my friends in a photo booth, which was from one of the best meetups i've ever been on), and after analysing the song's themes of love, it became something i could fall back on whenever i was feeling down, or when i realised my crushes didn't actually like me back... although, since i used it for an instagram post with my friends, it symbolises friendship as well... which is something i'm sure most people hold near and dear to their hearts
  
  
• WILDFLOWER – BEACH HOUSE – i could honestly make a whole blog on every single beach house song and how it related to my 2022, but the first beach house song that always comes to mind is wildflower. the dreamy melody of the song really encapsulates how i felt during the ski trip, and anything related to the ski trip i hold close to my heart, hence why this song is in this list. i can't finish this off without mentioning the lyrics though, it was another song that related to my emotions at the time, and served as intensive therapy for me considering i was over the edge every single day. songs like wildflower have also sparked my DREAM to go to a beach house concert... bc i know i'd be crying like crazy and it'd be the best source of catharsis 
  
  
• FRICTION – CAFUNÉ – you know, i always ramble on about how good this band is, but cafuné makes another entry again with friction. this song... absolutely changed my life for the better, and it has this "coming of age" feeling to it so it was a very fitting song considering i was nearing my last days of school when i first started listening to it. i forget the lyrics but somehow this song still manages to remind me of my crushes... 

so, this is honestly all i can be bothered to write at this point... my hands AND eyes are getting super tired, so i apologise if everything looks messy... but, what matters is that this is authentic and came from the heart. i can't write about most years like this because... nothing That interesting happened. i'm grateful i experienced a lot before graduating, because i just know i would've hated my 2022 to be so.... boring '-'. clearly though, these aren't all the details, i might follow this up with a part 2 to talk about my friends, since there's MANY events i could gush on about. also, the info here relates primarily on how i felt in terms of LOVE, ROMANCE, whatever u wanna call it... so yea deal with it, the times i wasn't thinking about love life was pretty straight-forward, hence why i cut out those parts from the paragraphs. anyways hope y'all have a great night kero nation, ily

kero