12 June 2016

It is normal to experience the June gloom in Los Angeles-- you'll hear a daily complain of how horrible the weather is, heck, I'll even confess. The days are grey for most of the morning until the clouds part and the sun finally makes appearances for short periods of the day.

It is also normal to experience the every day gloom; sadness, loss of ones definition and worth, lack of gratitude or just overall a shadow that overtakes your every move to where life is constantly dark. Since last submitting a post on here, I have experinced the every day gloom several times. Some only last a day, some a few days and became a reaccuring feeling as the months passed. Though, this isn't a post to surface my emotions, or give into the trend of feeling sad and give reasons why my lack of writing and inspiration. In fact, this is my way to over come it. Yes, another post that I can look back at to remember and that can maybe, in-turn, help you, too.

Its become a cycle

Emotions have been felt emmensly. I have gotten flustered and suffocated. I have felt the need to feel sorry for myself; to look at all the faults in my life and acknowledge all the negatives in life to feed the want of crying and breaking down and fall onto my knees. Now, its not bad to feel your emotions. Cry. Cry because you can't hold it in anymore, cry because you feel weak.. cry because you feel alone and because it's better to brush under the rug. But please don't fuel it, Venezia. I've learned that its natural to feel sad and lost. Everything at that time feels like its against you and you hear the wrong words even if you're planting a seed hoping someone will acknowledge you. Even as I type this, I'm not yet understanding how to cope while still understanding my feelings. But there has been so many goods that have come out of these experiences from the past 6 months

Even though I may see life with glasses that make it so blurry to even comprehend, I've had such a clear understanding of myself and who I am. I have become less of the person I want to be. I selfishly say words that may hurt, I have lost my sense of being humane and understanding; my willingness to give trust and forgive. It has been a stop on the road that I had to see and I am so thankful to have taken a step back to analyze my past actions. I got caught up in my own life and my own feelings.. I have become a victim of what I promote against. I lost my sense of creativity. My ways of expressing myself whether that be writing or playing piano have become idle. I have lost my ground and connection to my center and core.

From all of these experiences and understandings of myself, it is a disappointment to know that my actions and thoughts have been the opposite end of what I strive and hope to be. But it's okay. It's a good time to stop and grow and bring it to my attention sooner than later.

I don't point out my faults to demonstrate and prove to you how my every day gloom molded me but instead to come to terms with who I am and who I want to be. I write to say goodbye to my ways of thinking and selfish actions; to truly acknowledge the person I was becoming and putting that to a hault before it consumes me and am no longer to separate myself from it. This month, coincidentally, is my birthday month. It's a fulfillment to know that I have finally met the person that I was becoming for the past months before entering a new year of blessed life. 

The clouds are breaking and the sun is slowly shining.

The first few months were a whirl wind of experiences. I traveled, found out I am in good health, loved and spent birthdays with family. I have all I need, now, I need to give to all I have.

To good health and the better days after the gloomy ones,

x vnico