so much for blond hair

i've been fucking mental the last few months but today, a few months since i painstakingly bleached my mop of hair and about 2 weeks-ish since i bleached my roots and added streaks of blue,purple and yellow today i dyed my hair a reddy brown. i'm mad at myself but for some reason today after i got home from running errands i just spiralled quite quickly. sanity balanced on my wrists. i'm really in love with fobs new album so much (for) stardust, it's so phenomenal! i've been a fob fan since i think late 2014/early 2015 and watching them grow, growing up with them sort of guiding me has been lovely. i think this album came at a good time in the year. heaven iowa is one of their best songs yet, ngl i've already listened to it over 100 times but SHHHHHH!!! 

anyway. the kind of mood i've been in tonight is very divine loser by clem turner. questioning what i'm doing here, the religious part of me i still have left after my brother took it with him, my anxiety, hatred for myself ect ect doesn't really matter here but. i think this song really speaks to me. if you're struggling with any big emotions and need a song to just let it out and cry to i recommend this a hundred times over. it's good to get yourself out of the these bad feelings before they manifest into something bad. "it's just past 8 and i'm feeling young and reckless, the ribbon on my wrist says do not open before christmas". but you do need to feel these emotions to let them pass. i hope one day i can let all these horrible feelings and memories pass but i'm scared they'll stick to me like gum to a busy street. oh well. time to wash out this dye and pretend i made a smart decision, if i can even see this shit through these stupid black tears lol. bad day to wear eyeliner. 

i bought acai sorbet for a treat this week and i think on friday when i get paid i'll go to a record store or buy some new books. i miss having physical stuff instead of free, ripped online, but it's hard when you've always had to budget, more than ever. i want hörrorstor. i like that book so far. recommend giving the synopsis a peek at least. xo