If You're Not Feeling It...

Recently, I had some dealings with a person that very quickly became something of a challenge for me. I’ve had a lot of these situations pop up in my life over time, but especially in the last few years. Initially, I wondered why the hell I keep encountering the same relationship dynamics. Now, however, I recognize them for what they are. I didn’t know if I was subconsciously testing myself, or if Spirit/God was testing me to see if I’ve learned the lessons that even I recognize I needed to learn. 

I realized at the end of this particular incident, after much analyzing, that it didn’t matter which it was; what mattered was that I had become aware of the pattern. It mattered that I recognized my own culpability. It mattered that I recognized the need for a change within me. I am healing that part of myself that allowed these unhealthy relationships to play out in my life. I very quickly recognize them for what they are and I remove myself from the situation, often with no questions asked and no quarter given. They simply are not for me anymore and I will not apologize for that nor justify my actions to you. That is growth. That is self love. I win!

Let me give you a little peek into the unhealthy thought process of someone who has been systematically abused mentally, physically, verbally, and emotionally, who had long-term exposure to one or more narcissists, and then gravitated toward narcissistic partners because of the familiarity of that relationship dynamic. Their initial response, always, is to try to figure out what is lacking within themselves that they can’t be what others need. They question what their gut and logic is telling them and reallocate blame and short-comings onto themself. 

They are easily swayed to believe that they are, somehow, the problem, and therefore can single-handedly improve the situation, while at the same time recognizing that things are happening that shouldn’t be acceptable within that relationship. The mental battle rages unchecked as they play their own devils’ advocate. Understand that the role of the victim in this context is always to be the “fixer”, or to be what the other needs, without regard to their own needs, in the hope that if they achieve some elusive goal, the other will then meet their needs. It’s ever just out of reach, this perfect thing.

When you have been part of unhealthy relationships over and over, and you recognize that you are the common denominator in every one of them, you begin to believe that you must be the problem. This is reinforced by those that are so good at finding, and using, your weaknesses against you, that it begins to look like you’re the only one who doesn’t “see” it. You begin to believe that if you improve that, if you change this about yourself, if you stop doing that, or become better at something else, if you let go of another piece of “you”, then the relationship will improve, life will become more comfortable where you’re at, and you will not be a failure. You will not fail to make this relationship last. 

The truth is, and it’s been proven, that there are tell-tale signs every abuser looks for when picking their next victim, consciously or subconsciously. These master manipulators know, instinctively, what the victim needs to be drawn into their web, and they lead with that consistently, until their prey has dropped their guard to such an extent that they can basically begin maneuvering them like chess pieces on a board. This is a huge component of the “why don’t they just leave” conundrum.

Calling people out on these behaviors always backfires for those trapped in this mindset, again, because the master manipulator has their finger on all your hot buttons. The victim ends up feeling worse about themselves. Begins to think they’re crazy. Feeling guilty for the less than positive thoughts and feelings they begin to have about their abuser. The other, much more damaging, aspect that makes this dynamic work is the fact that the master manipulator manipulates everyone who wanders into their messed up force field. 

Others in their life will never see the side that they show their victim(s), thereby limiting their victim’s access to help from those outside the vortex of hell they find themselves drowning within. They hide from everyone but their victim. Nobody believes the things you say because they’ve only been shown the friendly side, the good friend, the helpful neighbor, and the image you project when you're in public for fear of retribution when you return to the seclusion of your home. It’s constantly walking on eggshells while wearing 500 lbs of weight on your shoulders.

I’ve realized that I’m no longer comfortable with that “familiar” dynamic. I no longer spend much time questioning myself, no longer hesitate to avoid or remove myself from uncomfortable situations, and I no longer take on the doubt as though it’s mine. Doubt is yet another of those gifts that people give to us without forethought or care. I now give the benefit of the doubt to myself, especially if doubt keeps coming around. In other words, I’ve extinguished the gaslight. I am no longer a victim. I never really was.

This challenging person started ringing my alarm bells very quickly, had me slipping back into past behaviors, going back and forth in my head and considering all options. Doubting what I suspected, ignoring how I felt. However, instead of the comfort of past days, I only had anxiety. What should I do? Do I want to keep trying to make this work? Do I even care at this point? But this time, my response was different. 

In this, as in so many other situations now, I slip into the role of observer. I see that the game is afoot, but I play by my own rules now. I give warning that I see the game, in my own subtle way, and an opportunity for them to take corrective action. But if you don’t know, and refuse to learn, how to treat me, how to love me, respect me, be a friend to me, a positive force in my life, I will give you enough rope to hang yourself, and I will watch you push me from your life like a lab geek watching a rat work it’s way through a maze. 

So, how do we decide if we are “done” with any relationship, or should be?

Two things: 

If someone is, in fact, doing things that make you question yourself, doubt what logic is showing you, or wondering what you are doing to keep that thing from sailing smoothly, thinking that you are the problem, then he/she is a toxic person and you deserve better. If you love yourself, you must walk away.

If, however, they aren’t doing any of those things and you are just suspicious and untrusting because you have not healed yourself from past relationships, making you the destructive force, then you’re the toxic person and they deserve better. If you genuinely care about them, you must walk away.

Understand? Here’s why it works.  

If it’s a new relationship, and by new I mean you’re in year one, what should be the best damn year, and you are already feeling some kind of way and it’s a struggle, get out now, because it only gets harder from here. Remember, people always put their best foot forward. They’ll spend months showing you an image of who they aspire to be, because they want you to like them. It’s my belief that they recognize that they need to improve to match you, and in reality, it’s that potential self growth that attracts them to you to begin with, meaning, you represent, in some way, something they wish to manifest into their own life. 

Interacting with you will cause them to “become who they aspire to be” to keep you in their life, to be a good “fit”, whether that be friend, lover, spouse, or a family member, it doesn’t matter, because being a part of your life, having you in their life, makes them “better” somehow. Essentially, they learn to match your vibrational energy, which improves their own, and like a ripple effect, other areas of their life begin to improve as well. That’s how healthy relationships with healthy people work. Healthy people and healthy relationships add value.

The other side of that, the unhealthy, unhealed aspect, is that they aimed too high and can’t “become” that, or you aimed too low. They don’t have it in them to rise to your level and you won’t be able to maintain the facade; it will slowly begin to break down. When you find yourself dealing with someone who can’t meet you where you are, emotionally, mentally, spiritually, whatever the case may be, your efforts are either very short-lived, or you essentially allow the person to drag you down to their level, and your life begins to reflect that. These are unhealthy relationships and we all need to learn to recognize them quickly. 

If it was a good relationship, then none of the above issues would ever come into play. Mis-understandings, yes. Arguments, of course. Never distrust. Never doubt in your value and worth, or doubts about your person’s value in your life. You want someone you truly love and appreciate to know how important they are to you, or you should. And nobody that truly loves and appreciates you would want you to be with anyone who can’t, or won’t, love you like you deserve to be loved. 

Sometimes the best way to love someone is by getting out of their way, so they can have the love they deserve, even if the one who can love them properly isn’t you. The same applies if you are not receiving the love you deserve. The first step is getting out of your own way by taking the time to learn how to love yourself. How can you ask someone to love you when you don’t even love yourself? You can’t tell them how, or show them how, until you have mastered loving yourself first. 

Love is a powerful force because love is both an action, it’s something we “do”, and it’s also something else more intangible; it’s a feeling. If you’re not “feeling” it, then that’s not the relationship for either of you. You both deserve better. This is the essence of “self-love”. Without healthy self-love you will never have healthy relationships. Broken people attract broken people and hurt people, well, they hurt people. As within, so without.