Dream journal #1

March 23,2023

It starts as I am cutting my arms. Not short self harm cuts but a long deep cut down my entire inner arm. I cant feel any pain. I know for sure that shit would hurt. My flesh curls and it looks like a special effects wound. No blood. Just darkness and curled skin. Both my arms were open. I look down and my l shins are split open. The same as my arms. No pain tho. I then had clothes on. Pants and a long sleeve shirt. I am surrounded by faces. None recognizable. A stretcher was to my side. I said im gonna pass out as I am falling gently on the stretcher. I close my eyes. I open my eyes and see my wounds are healed. Long raised faded scars. I could see the suture marks. My arms feel nothing. My legs are painful. An aching pain. More like shin splints. Which makes sense. Scars run down the front of my legs. 

Then I'm at a play rehearsal. I never had interest in theatre or acting growing up. This is weird. I knew i was in it. I had a part to play. Not sure which role but I was there for a reason. Anxiety fills my mind. I freak out. I cant do this. What am i doing here? I look at my scars and run away. I hear laughing behind me. I hear my footsteps as I run. I am wearing chucky black platform shoes with a Wednesday Adams look. Black dress. It is flowing past my knees. I run until I cant hear the laughter then I wake up. 

This was a weird one. I am a recovering cutter. So I suppose that makes sense. I live with anxiety. Thats not new. The play confuses me. I never want to be in front of people. I hate being the center of attention. I am trying to wrack my brain and figure this out. I even looked up a dream dictionary app. 

If you have any ideas let me know. I dont have lucid dreams very often. Maybe one in six months. I needed to write this down so I wouldn't forget.