trying to write

So i dont really write blogs besides the songs i write im gonna try to blog more but its kind of hard.

i guess ill start now

Today was no different from any other day really. my mom hurt her ankle at work a few days ago and now shes treating me like a slave which, (racist). shes just been really annoying about everything. i have been kind of falling back into a depression because im not realizing anything anymore. its just like i know things are happening but theres nothing telling me its wrong and theres no one i can talk to about anything. if and when there is someone to talk to its hard to pinpoint what to say. i just want to look at something or someone and them know whats going on in my head but that isnt possible. things like failing in school and my parents being assholes all those things i really dont care about. theres this overbearing feeling of something much much bigger bothering me and i believe its just existing. all ive known is to ignore things and i get myself distracted from thinking. when i do think theres things constantly in my head trying to make its way to the front. trying to make me stop or worse, make me daydream about the situation to the point of delusion. i try to pretend things never happen. i try to forgive everyone but i just dont. i know that ive done wrong to many people and im just as a bad guy as my mind makes others out to be. but at the end of the day im me and i CAN help but feel. i try to reconnect with people who've hurt me. just because i want to feel seen by someone. my whole consciousness ive felt like there was nothing and no one that i could just be around. i just want something. nothing romantic i just want to be able to have some kind of healthy getaway instead of putting all my minutes hours and days being useless convincing myself that im doing something right. i dont have it all figured out. i live a delusion. i just want to be there i just want to be in this world as a person with a life. and if i cant have that, i dont want to be here at all. i usually reread long things that i write but i wont this time because if i do im gonna delete a lot and replace it with new ideas in my dead because i just cant let things be. i dont care if i make sense and i dont care if anyone sees this my point is im just tired and i feel like ive lost touch to reality. i have 50 tabs open and not a single thing on any of them shifts my mood or my mindset no matter how hard i want it to. i live through everyone else because i cant live.