diary 9 --- and i feel like shit again.

03.22.23

blasting my ear drums to oncle jazz again yeah... i feel so bad right now. yesterday and the day before were very good days i felt. I went for over an hour walk each day and saw the sun which was really nice. i felt so hopeful for spring. i felt so forgiving of myself. i had 1473kcal monday and 806.5 yesterday. i've already had 1000.2 today and expecting another 3-400 for dinner. ugh. i feel so fucking fat and ugly and i look so stupid. my mom has a beach trip planned starting april 3rd (ITS SO FUCKING SOON I WANNA KILL MY SELFLFLLFLFLFLLFLFLFF) and omfg. i dont know if i can do it. last week i told myself i wanted to be under 190 by then but i dont know if thats happening. 2 weeks ago i was 193kcal after a 40+hr fast. the rest of this time? i have been 195-197. for the past several days actually i've been 196.2-.4 and its driving me insane. and yes i am weighing myself in the afternoon and the 193 was in the morning but