[VENT] out in my shed w my baby

Sui pills etc

I got my little titty baby pupppy out here with me shes snuggled up on the couch. I came out here with the intentions to do art, but i cant do anything

I cleaned a piece of wood to make a tiny pipe from via suggestion from a friend but its slightly damp and i dont really feel like doing it rn. I dont want to do anything but sleep until i die

I was hoping once i got my baby id magically be less depressed. Im still depressed severely but im happy i have a little baby to play with now at least. Shes so patient and silly

I thought when i had my shed id be able to do more instead of lay in bed and think about dying . Its calmer in here while i sit here and do nothing

I found a german cock roach in my fucking shed from when my grandma made howard throw the infested fucking desk in here. I dony know what im going to do if it gets bad .i killed it at least

I had a break down and called my mom the other day at 3am literally threatening suicide because everything is so fuckinh miserable. I might finally get the house and my shed in my name now . It sucks i have to cut off all my hair and confide in my narcissistic mother about being suicidal and hopeless to fucking have something done about the plumbing and house situation

Every time i look around my room or my shed i look for places and ways to kill myself. I look at the beams and think wow i could hang myself there. I think about my bag of pills and wonder how many bottles until i seize and die.  I thought about running out into the road with siphoned gas and a lighter and burning myself alive on the street the other day.

If i didnt have my cat and now my puppy id probably be dead already. Its not like im ever gonna get one of my stories done to share with people. No one would care anyway, i cant plot them out in a good way. These things and my friends and baby sister are all that matter i think. I think id stay alive bc i dont wanna traumatize my baby sister either. But i honestly think she'd understand sometimes

And its hard with people because i vant feel connected or loved anymore bc trauma. I dont trust anyone any more. I dont know if i ever will.

I wish i was more impulsive than i already am. I dont see a way out or a future .

And my brain is melting more and more daily . I was genuinely surprised they didnt see damage when i forced them to cat scan me. It feels like swiss cheese.

And doctors wont answer. I cant call anyone i cant do anything

I think im gonna cave and go to my moms pill dealer doctor n beg for xanex and an adhd diagnosis if possible so i can get addy bc im miserable like this. Ill call her and make her set me an appointment

Ill ask for some more xanex in the mean time. It makes me sleep a lot but it keeps me from extremes i guess