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My ideal life in 15 years is probably going to be different as every year goes by up until I reach that fifteen year mark and think ¨wow I thought so differently back then.¨
For one I could never imagine myself actually making it to a big college, but then again maybe by the end of graduation next year, I would have finally taken myself seriously and actually done something meaningful enough to be accepted into a college.
Sorry if this essay sounds degrading.
Sorry for apologizing too much.
I hope in 15 years I can stop saying that I am sorry for everything and anything I will ever do or have ever done. I hope in 15 years I can look at myself in the mirror without thinking of all my past mistakes and how everything I will ever do will end up in failure. I hope in 15 years I see the others around me not as potential bullies to avoid but as potential friends.
I hope in 15 years I can be me without people waving their hands at me dismissively; everything I have to say always being met with an eye roll as if the act of hearing what I have to say is some exhausting chore. I hope in 15 years I can look people in the eye without the dread of seeing their smiles, the same smiles one would do to a baby or child, the same tone of voice spoken at someone of less intelligence.
I don´t hope for love in 15 years, I hope for money and a place for myself and my family. My house is so disgusting the mere act of sleeping in my own bed requires a shower in the morning and a cry. I wish to buy a new place for my family so they can enjoy it and not be so bombarded with stenches of depression and filth. I hope I clean my room before 15 years go by so I´m not constantly met with the stench and constant heap of clothes that grows and grows or the empty cans of soda that seems to multiply by the second, always met with ¨I´ll take care of it tomorrow¨ when my mother asks me to take care of the mess. Maybe that's why my family is a mess.
I hope in 15 years I can see my mother smile and laugh like how I used to make her laugh when I was younger, I hope in 15 years to see my parents fall in love again or to finally get that divorce that´s oh-so-needed for the both of them. I hope in 15 years I can eat something without the fear of gaining weight or needing to calorie count. I hope in 15 years I´m not me but I know that's not possible, I can´t change myself; I am me, and that same Me is so different than I. How I perceive myself and how others see Me are so different. The simple act of me existing is seen as disgusting or humorous while I see myself as someone just trying to get by. I hope in 15 years I have a job and I´m not a slob living with my parents still. I hope in 15 years I can enjoy my own presence without a slow and painful fall into a depressive episode.
I hope in 15 years I´m Normal.
I hope in 15 years I love myself.
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Harry
Hey Guzma.
We went down a rabbit hole tonight, really enjoying that this site exists, and kinda happened to stumble onto your blog. (Seeing Guzma as a name in the wild, as a pokemon fan personally, is just very fun haha.)
Bro. It's one of those cliche things, but it gets better.
The hurt you're feeling isn't fair, and depression isn't your fault. Brains are mean to us and when rough things in real life stack, and people misunderstand or even hurt us (Intentional or not,) those things sink in and make you feel like all you are IS a walking apology. It's not true, you're so much more than how you see others viewing you. Truth is even if there are some SHITTY folks in your path, I guarantee you are light to others, and will be throughout your life. You sound thoughtful, and kind. There's no way around that.
The truth about depression is it's one of those things. The cans stacking and the dread of failure is something that can creep, and the truth is these things can happen. You know what it doesn't make you? Less worthy. Period. The world is a better place for having you here. You'll get out someday, you know? You'll succeed and SURE you'll struggle too, but it's so worth it. Even if sometimes it sure do feel like it's not. You will love and experience, and get to enjoy the things bring the passion back. FIND things that bring passion! I want that for you buddy, and I know you'll get there in YOUR time, not ANYBODY else's.
The me of now would tell you, that the You of Fifteen years from now, is going to look back on the you present here today and cherish him. You don't realize it yet, but time is funky like that. From a person who would be doing the same now if I had my own childhood myspace to look back on from 15 years ago. Give it time.
And remember to be kind to yourself now, even when you feel like you're fucking up. You're doing your best, future you knows it, and Future you will thank you for it.
Kick life's ass, man!
YA BOI believes.
Thank you, I enjoy Pokemon too :-)
I have to say tho I have gotten better. I feel this essay is more of just an over all vent so I can keep getting better, like I´m doing good then get real sad so I word vomit in a essay and move on lol
by Zackary; ; Report
Getting it out on the page really does help. NICE.
(Is your name from pokemon or did you luck into it ahead of time? LOVE that for you.)
by Harry; ; Report
My username is from Pokemon lol, In middle school I was super into team skull. in 6th grade I used to wear the stupid little team skull costume everywhere.
He's still my fav character from the inter thing ngl
by Zackary; ; Report
Patches O'Houlihan
Guzma, some friends and I were just browsing SpaceHey and found your essay "15 years". I just wanted to say that thing will get better - seriously. I know people say that all the time, and it can be hard to believe, but it's true.
I can't walk in your shoes, but I can tell you that I related to your essay a lot, and a few of the paths we've walked may be similar. I never thought things would get better, but slowly they got more accomplishable, and eventually I found that I would have an occasional good day, and even further down the line I started having more good days than bad days. It's not permanent. There are ups and downs. Just know that it WILL get better. This too shall pass. A time will come when you can look at this period in your life as a time that made you stronger. Keep on fighting.
Side note - I love the song on your page. Shadow had a killer soundtrack.
Thank you, I´m glad you and your friends liked my essay for school lol
Also yes I love Shadow a lot, a bit of a sonic nerd
by Zackary; ; Report
Rhys Caliban
Hey man, I stumbled across this site and was looking around. Having a laugh and just exploring. Then I found your post, I just want to say, when I was 18 I felt the exact same way. Like I was lost, wandering, and without purpose.
I was bullied real bad, hell I almost did something that would have ruined more lives than mine. But I didn't, that last bit of strength, that last shred of will. It's enough to turn things around.
You'll find a space for you, you'll find your path.
It wont be the one you expect, or maybe think you want. But it will be yours to do with what you can. Hold onto that little hope, that warm feeling or memory of making your mom smile. It wont be the last one you find or create, but keep them safe as they keep you warm when everything feels like it's too much.
Your story, and how you feel, are shared by so many. And we have made it. I know you will to.
You don't have to turn everything around all at once. It's the small steps, those small shreds of strength you have. You don't need to change your world all at once, just one stone at a time.
Don't try and gather the strength to clear the mess all at once. Gather the cans, and tomorrow find another small thing to do.
That's what we all do in the low times to make it through, find the little things. The little things to keep you going. The little things that you can change.
Drew
Reading this, I can tell you put your heart into it, and I totally respect that. I want you to know that everyone has been in a similar place to this at some point, and in 15 years, you will be so much happier than you can even imagine.
Keep on being awesome, and it'll all be fine <3 xoxoxo