I WIsh I Was a Hopeless Romantic

  I'm not the type of person that's okay with being alone forever. I want to fall hopelessly in love, to be loved, but people terrify me.  I'm not going to say it doesn't make sense. The way peopl-  I cant even express the ins and outs of meeting and dating someone. I know what it is to feel for someone, to have a 'crush'. It doesn't make me giddy or excited,i just feel panicked and scared. Not in the way you think but in the way that makes my throat hot and full, the way that makes me hyper aware of every part of my body, and walk a little faster when I pass them.

 Insecurities are what stop me. They are why i gawk at the thought of any 'normal' person, anyone at all, being interested in me. At times i can be hopeful that i'll be like the many other women who look and think like me, yet still end up in love with someone who cherishes them. If there is hope,I don't want them to have to "look past" anything I don't want personality to " matter more". Sure, its almost comical, the way I can't imagine anyone liking me but I wont settle either. I've got standards too, and no, its not overly confident of me to think i deserve someone who will love every part of me. 

    Being with someone seems like the bravest thing i could do. Because, at the end of the day no matter how much i try to ignore and doubt it I know given the chance, I'll open myself up to them.  I'll hope desperatly that they really mean it and fight the urge to run.