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Category: Life

I'm Alive :)

(I'm sure that this entry is going to be overlooked given the fact that I just started out here. It might get a little heavy but nevertheless thank you for reading :3 )

Over the last few months I been really busy with college and work and I feel pretty bad about leaving the friends that I had behind. I actually got a decent job at Lowe's or as decent as it gets but it's something. I started college and it's been a rough trip so far though. And it seems like it keeps getting rougher for myself everyone around me. But before that happened I had a good thing going with someone for the first time. She was really good to me and I took her to go see a Jeff Dunham show with my family and I thought everything was going to be fine then. She helped me kick a few bad habits and keep me from getting caught up in addiction and it was refreshing to find someone that cared.
   Time flew by and it's been months since we first met I believe the date was August 24th. Everything was great and It seemed like I was heading in the right direction but something ate me up inside during the final days. It was my sexuality. Something I thought was so stupid to worry about that late in the relationship but I never truly been with a guy before. And I felt like a piece of shit so I confessed my thoughts to her the day after and what's been festering in my head.
 Of course she was shocked but was accepting about what I was feeling and we had a talk during a car ride about it which I struggled in telling her about what I was feeling but she was always a good person and understood me. We broke up and thought it was best to take a break. I couldn't drag her along with those feelings and I knew it wasn't right to keep it bottled up in my mind forever. I got a phone call from her aunt who she lived with and said she died in her sleep from a massive seizure and wasn't breathing. It took a day for it to sink in and then it hit me hard. You can see where this is going though. . I started breaking down thinking there was something that I could have done and I feel ashamed I wasn't there to say goodbye to her those last moments.
    I was left with the feeling that I'm just another empty husk of a guy. With no clear direction taking shit from people I don't know and trying not to become a bitter asshole. So here I am. I'm not sure why I'm here or what I want really. I just want some friends I guess. I want people who can understand where I'm at or someone that I can help.

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wren's profile picture

hey, i’m so sorry to hear man. i know my comment isn’t a whole lot but i am truly wishing you the best. i want you to know that no matter the bumps no matter the challenges and trials life puts you through,, you can do it. when you think you could’ve done something better, accept that it was the past. you can always move forward to a better future, but dwelling on a bitter past keeps you in the old mentality. if you want to be a better person who does better things i suggest being in the future. her dying will never be your fault or related to you in any way. there was nothing you could’ve done, because sometimes things happen. really bad things happen. i’m glad she helped you and she let you see the future, even though things ended between you two i’m sure she was still wishing for your future. this might be spacehey, and i might not know what i’m saying half the time but i’m sure of this. you’ll be okay.

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Thank you so much >~< I appreciate you taking the time to respond and I agree I think it’s best I let it go and focus on the future.

by It's Stranger; ; Report