gallows humour

how do you follow the path of god?

how do you follow the path of religion?

how do you follow the path of mysticism?

how do you follow the path of spirituality?

i am losing my mind trying to make sense of any of this.

tell me! how do you do it?

why are you all so calm?

every conclusion ends in suspicion.

what if i am too cynical for the mystic?

what if i am too paranoid for god?

how about god starts looking for me instead?

i have patiently waited.

read the religious scriptures.

spent years following astrological transits.

what the fuck is this?

i demand answers!

what if i am the only one who doesn’t understand?

what if the universe has forgotten about me?

if we are living out a fate that was written long ago what is the point of doing any of this?

what if i am not satisfied with the cards i was dealt?

if the planets align once in a blue moon and if the planets predict our life events then why oh why are we doing any of this?

for my soul to develop? develop into what? obedience?

i am already trapped inside this flesh vessel. there can be no further obedience than this.

i know there is something out there.

but what is it?

it feels like it is laughing at us.

the cosmos has relentless gallows humour.

one day i will kill myself just so i can kill god.