I should have told them I loved them

When I was 19, a man I admired told me he loved me after he caught me cutting and crying. He had always been nice to me but never treated me with what I would call love. I didn't believe him and felt betrayed. It was the first time anyone had told me those words. When I disappeared some months later, he never messaged me to find out how I was. I don't remember what my feelings towards the word love had been before, but ever since, I've felt apprehensive about it.

I decided that I would only ever tell at most one person I love you. I thought that if one day I meet someone I'm sure I want to share the rest of my life with, and I think they feel the same way, I'll tell them. If I don't, I won't. I wanted to keep the word as full as possible. I didn't want to use it before I truly needed it. I realized this might be extreme, but I've been in love many times. I felt like I had overused my feelings, so I wanted at least the words to express them to remain intact.

I've known that I love Haven since we first met, but I never told them because I didn't know if we had a future together. Now I realize that's why I should have told them. Any day could have been my last chance. The word love has lost its meaning because I never used it with the person I loved the most. I had it all the wrong way round.

Yesterday I told Haven I love you. I will say it every day for the rest of my life. I hope we can talk again, but if we don't, they might still see my messages wherever they are. Even if they can't, I still need to say it.

There is one more person I love -someone who is still here. My friend Ada. I'm going to tell her too. I should have told her a long time ago as well.