till death do us part

Till death do us part. The vows we promised to say to each other. The future that we imagined, romanticized. The things we promised each other in the past. You were supposed to be my shoulder to cry on, my ride or die, my part of me. But now you’re gone, well, kinda gone. I keep you around with hopes and dreams of us becoming one together, because the day we split up was the day something inside of me died. It died right after the last kiss we shared. I felt my heart cracking, splitting into a million pieces. Who am I? What am I? Will I ever recover from this? I was wrong to already put you in the tiny little boxes inside of my brain. In there, it was already established that you indeed are my future, my other half. But was it ever a half? Wasn’t it more of a tug-o-war between who loves the other one more?

I keep you around, because you give me a sense of stability. I keep you around, because without you, I feel empty. I keep you around, because I know you want me to keep you around. I don’t care if it’s not healthy, neither do I care if it’s gonna keep me from moving on.  No one will ever be able to replace the holes in my heart, unless I allow myself to move on. I don’t want to move on. Moving on means meeting new people, getting to know them, dating them, experiencing the same things I experienced with you already. 

You were my shoulder to cry on, my ride or die, my part of me. You were, are and will always be. Till death do us part. You aren’t able to say these vows, because you don’t even know how I’m feeling. I can’t tell you, because your solutions are always simple. I don’t want simple. I want to hurt for a little longer, just so I can learn to live with the pain. Living with the pain is the easiest way to still keep you around. Till death do us part. And i won’t have to move on. Till death do us part. But maybe, one day, the pain will become stronger and stronger. Till death do us part. And if I cannot handle the excruciating pain anymore, death will finally be able to do us part.