Can’t Sleep

I’m feeling incredibly restless. I suppose it’s no shocker because I haven’t been able to sleep well these past few days anyway. But it’s so obvious now that I’m actually trying to adjust my schedule. My counsellor said to sleep no later than 10:30 so I can train my body enough to start attending my classes again, but here I lay, 20 minutes past midnight, not even a wink in sight. 

To make matters worse, I can’t even think of what to do to keep myself entertained. I don’t feel like watching anything, I don’t feel like reading anything, I don’t feel like doing anything. It’s so difficult. Not to mention I’ve developed a cough that hasn’t gone away, all because I forgot to close my windows one night. It had me a little paranoid that all the smoking gave me lung cancer, but I don’t even smoke that much. I don’t even vape that much either. It’s all so nasty, but I do it to distract myself. 

So I’m here, finding a new way to overshare on the internet because I feel immeasurable guilt whenever I open up to my friends. I can barely handle these thoughts, how would my friends be able to? I care for them so much and I hope they know that. My friends make life bearable. When I feel like running away, the first thing I think of taking is them. I can do without the gadgets, I can do without the noise, but I can’t do without their company. Yeah, sometimes I push myself away, but I could never truly want them gone. Knowing that they’re out there - even on days where I wish no one else was around - is enough for me. Perhaps I’m not the best at showing it, but I am immensely thankful for them. 

Anyways, I think my brain has found a new way to make me feel guilty: by telling me these thoughts are even a burden on the internet! No one is gonna read them, why should I be so conscious about it? Y’know, back when I was still attending classes, I learned that Freud believed that we have a divided self: one that thinks, and one that criticises that other one. Freud is a weird guy and most of the things he says is BS, but I agree with him there. That other part of me is my worst bully. I hope that eventually she will become my best friend. 

I’ll shut up now. Thanks for reading, if someone out there did. I hope you have a good life. 

Bye!