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i feel like i'm existing through theory. am i living life or merely observing it as time passes me by?
i live in a state of constant expectation. anticipating something. something big. something big is about to happen. is it? it's been so long...
what is it that i'm waiting for? who am i waiting for? if i don't know then what is this feeling? is it desire? a desire to break free. perhaps. a desire for more. more.
i just thought there would be more by now.
- what do you mean by more?
just... there's something missing. it all feels very... incomplete. does that feeling change as you grow up?
i have lived a thousand lifetimes. i have been molded by trauma that has spliced my dna. shed personalities. shifted perspective. yet it's not enough. it's never enough.
an insatiable hunger scrathes at my soul. i am perpetually disappointed. people let me down. the world let me down. then i let myself down.
but i know i am the only person who can create the change i seek. i gracefully pick myself up.
so what now?
i wait.
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Clara
I relate to this; as you say, that expectation that something wonderful is about to happen... I suppose I felt complete for a while - when I was happily married, had 3 sons etc. Things were good for years, but as you say, it always feels like something is missing. Like all things in life, it waxes/wanes. Happiness is elusive, fleeting, but life IS what you make it to an extent.
"i am perpetually disappointed. people let me down. the world let me down. then i let myself down." THIS. Couldn't have said it better myself. You feel so disillusioned, lose faith in humanity for what the majority are. I've slowly withdrawn back into my shell over the years - less BullS*it to deal with. I think it's also just a matter of finding one's tribe, people that get us, relate etc. But yeah, you still have your whole life ahead of you, and hoping the best is yet to come! :) x
it well and truly is finding your tribe and being with people who share your values and understand you! i'm happy to hear you have decided to choose yourself and avoid the bs that comes along with some people, situations etc. here's to embracing new chapters in life and appreciating the quiet moments :)
by asia₊‧°𐐪♡𐑂°‧₊dyers; ; Report