a stupid insecurity/ reasons why people probably don't like me (long vent)

this blog is a really big mood killer so im suggesting for anyone who doesn't wanna be yk in a bad mood to not read this okayz

if you end up in a bad mood after reading this anyways, just dont blame me for it please..

ok so I haven't been on in a while and the last thing I wanted to do was make a dumb blog as a return but things happen..

Basically I just really hate how insecure I am, I hate that I think that any and everyone finds me annoying 24/7. I've had people call me annoying so much that now I'm too scared to interact with people at the thought that they might find me annoying like all the others do.

I wish I could just see what people think about me, I don't wanna come off as annoying but I guess I can't help it, no matter what I do I can't change the fact that I'm annoying to some people.

it makes me think that perhaps everyone finds me annoying, idk idk idkkk, my solution to this was to just not talk to anyone at all unless they spoke to me first so that way I know whether or not they want to speak to me and if someone talks to me first then that must mean that don't find me annoying and want to talk to me right?? And if someone doesn't talk to me then does that mean they find me annoying?

I don't think I went about this the right way.

I have no idea how to fix this mindset

wait idek what im doing wrong here

am I even doing anything wrong??

im starting not to understand 

yeah idk

I think im starting to realize why people find me annoying..

here's some reasons why other people and myself find me annoying, the stuff in parentheses are things people have directly said to me and has said to others 

#1 i probably talk too much

#2 i talk too much about myself???

#3 i think im just overall weird 

#4 I vent too much

#5 i have mental illnesses and people apparently dont like that

#6 im too shy

#7 i listen to weird music

#8 I watch weird shows

#9 i cant stand up for myself which people find annoying right

#10 im too nice??

#11 a pushover and easy to manipulate 

#12 has too much trauma 

#13 suicidal ("which is weird to some people")

#14 self harms too much ("nobody wants to hang out with people like that")

#15 has been sexually assaulted more than once ("eww how could u let that happen")

#16 ("pretends to be innocent")???

#17 is on the ace spectrum ("how can u be ace and not at the same time")

#18 is touch starved but didn't really liked to be touched due to the SA ("wow you give such awkward hugs, its kinda embarrassing")

#19 ("a wannabe perfect person") 

#20 super untalented 

#21 not fun (you're kinda boring")

#22 too insecure

#23 doesn't talk enough????

#24 gets too jealous 

#25 too paranoid 

#26 always too busy

#27 makes too many excuses and isn't really upfront about not wanting to do certain things that people clearly want me to do

#28 too honest

#29 not honest enough?

#30 too privileged 

#31 not privileged enough 

#32 has bad parents

#33 has annoying siblings

#34 does boring things

#35 not pretty enough

#36 not slim enough 

#37 not tall enough

#38 not smart enough

#39 too awkward

#40 has bad social anxiety 

#41 ("tries too hard to be cool")

#42 "cringe"

#43 acts like a little kid

#44 ("tries to be cute")??

#45 too unorganized 

#46 too forgetful 

#47 eats too much food

#48 doesnt eat enough??

#49 cries too much

#50 gets annoyed too easily 

#51 doesnt have that many friends 

#52 ("doesnt know how to do anything right")

#53 tries too hard to get approval from people

#54 desperate for comfort 

#55 ("tried too hard to fit in with others")

#56 ("is an ungrateful brat")

#57 is too big of a target for the mean people at school 

#58 is abused mentally and physically ("yikes couldnt imagine going through that, your parents must hate you")

#59 they do hate me

#60 my siblings hate me

#61 all my old friends hate me 

#62 all my exes hate me

#63 I hate me

#64 too lazy apparently 

#65 selfish 

#66 overall isnt good enough

#67 too sensitive

#68 cant handle being yelled at

#69 cant handle when people are mad at me

#70 has too many panic attacks

theres probably a lot more that im missing on this list  

i just always wonder why cant I be good enough for anyone, why am I nobodys bestfriend, why am I nobodys favorite, why am I nobodys first choice when it comes to certain things

am I just really that unlikeable...?

why is there always someone better, where are there always better friends than me out there where are there always just better people in general, why cant I be one of those better people, why am I never a first choice, why can't I have a bestfriend, why cant I BE a bestfriend.

maybe I just have too many issues

i guess if I just hadn't told anyone anything about me in the first place I wouldn't be as unlikeable?

but then again, even the people who don't know much about me still don't really care enough either so idk what exactly is wrong with me 

maybe one day someone will tell me so I can fix it or something I just dont know

me trying my absolute hardest not to cry my eyes out right now bc I just did my eyeliner and mascara.

someone told me I should stop blaming myself but who else is there to blame other than me??

if the people who dislike me for these things are bad people then why do they have a lot of people that care about them but I dont??

if they were really bad people then others wouldnt like them right?

so maybe i'm the bad person??

I try so hard to be likeable but it doesn't work I don't get it

why don't people wanna talk to me

why don't I have more friends

the friends I do have don't even talk to me

are they even my friends?

how come nobody ever wants to do things with me?

ik I can be difficult sometimes but it still hurts to be left out

why doesn't anyone like the things I like?

I try to change myself to like what other people like so that I can relate and so that more people would wanna do stuff with me but it doesnt work

why did I have to end up being so weird

why can't people just like me for being me

they say "oh well you just have to find the right people"

but is there really people who wouldn't judge me no matter what

idk

i cant get the bad thoughts out of my head, I just don't want the same things that have happened before to happen again..

but all this time im spending worrying about what happened in the past might mess things up for me in the present

it wasnt even my plan to be here for this long

last year around this time I had written a suicide letter already preparing to...yk

I even talked to the help hotline and that didn't help me at all

but

the reason I didn't do it was bc my mother had read the letter b4 I had the chance to do anything and at that point I wasn't able to do it 

I don't regret attempting at all

although I do have a lot of regrets regarding other things

which was the main reason I wanted to commit

I blame everything on myself all the time

im such a hypocrite 

i tell other people not to blame themselves but here I am doing what I tell them they shouldnt do

but like I said before, who else is there to blame other than myself?

it has to be someones fault right?

idk anymore

 im sorry for being so weird

im also sorry for probably making whoevers reading this super sad

im sorry for existing

im sorry for saying sorry too much 

im sorry for making this too long

and im sorry for even making this blog in the first place

i wiped my eyeliner and mascara off, I guess I can cry now...

but it hurts to cry...

the more i cry the harder it is to breathe