MARCH/10/2023

March 10th 2023 7:46 AM

Lyric: We broke up on PictoChat, crying on my DS

Mood: down 

I get so stressed thinking about how popular that one Tumblr post I made is. I get notes on it constantly. I'd die if anyone irl saw it and figured out it was...me that made it. That would actually be the end of the world. 

I really want to go back to school. Being at home has such a negative effect on me. I have zero motivation, my mood goes down significantly, my mental health starts to backslide. I really can't wait to get back to school. I feel like I actively get worse at home. Idk.

Sometimes it feels like most people are afraid to die? Which is fair. Not like everyone goes around worrying about it, but most people take measures to actively avoid dying, like looking both ways before crossing the street or something. I just don't care that much I guess. Will says he worries a lot about his loved ones dying. He said that includes me. I think that's really really sweet and I feel like a monster for kind of not caring. Obviously I'd be really really sad and upset if he died but I don't...actively worry about it. I worry about him being in pain or something sometimes? Most of all, I don't generally care if I die or not. I don't want to die I just think when I die, I die. It is what it is. I don't know. Maybe there's something wrong with me.

Even when I'm in imminently life threatening scenarios, it feels significantly more like an inconvenience to me. It's useful because I can stay very calm and get myself or others out of the situation quicker and easier than I could if I was panicking. But I can't help but think there's just something wrong with me. I've always struggled with empathy to be quite honest. I feel too empathetic toward inanimate objects and not enough toward actual humans. Idk. Maybe it's part of my mental health issues or something.

Whatever. I think too much about everything. I'll feel better when I get back to school and things go back to normal.

I miss Will.

Song: the Mind Electric by Miracle Musical