10/03/23 🧠🫀

Idfk how to like do vents n shit but I need to get my feelings out without talking to another person so I’m gonna talk about how shit my life is for the next however I remember too, I always feel like shit at the end of the day but idk today hurt more, the guy I liked is really touchy with this girl and idk if they’re related or dating or he likes her but I don’t like it, he used to like me, he used to talk to me and hold my hand and find excuses to talk to me but not anymore, I’m irrelevant, I should of just pretended to like him when he confessed to me maybe we’d still be together, I was really ugly tho, people would probably make fun of him for being with me, I just wanna grab him and tell him I love him but I’m too scared, I’m scared of being rejected, being made fun of, I’m scared that I would have to go to school for the rest of my years and be humiliated because I wanted someone of the likes of him, I’m too ugly to date anyone I know in real life, I should just stick to people online they wouldn’t have to see me all the time, hear my shit voice or my ugly face or my shit personality, I wouldn’t be surprised if they hated me more than I hate myself if they found out how I am irl.

Maybe I don’t deserve to be loved, I’m boring, the only personality I have is my body which i hate, but it’s the only part of me that gets me attention, by men. I just want to overdose and die but I’m too much of a pussy to do shit, I’m scared, I hate how much I care about a future that I don’t even want to live in, but what if I do get with someone and I become happy and we get rich and have kids and live a good life, it’s always the what ifs that keep me alive, my overthinking which makes me go through so much grief and anxiety that makes me wonder about the future, that makes me scared to end it all.

But here I am, still alive, still anxious, still depressed, I got back on my antidepressants(SSRIs) they make me Horny as but no more happier, as well as my heart, adhd, and the other one that makes me not have an episode and threaten to kill myself apparently(that’s what the doctors said) I wish I was a normal girl, a girl with a face that I wish I didn’t want to hide, a body which wouldn’t gain weight every time I ate smth, a personality that was likeable and a girl that could be liked by a boy, a stupid boy that likes an ass more than a personality, a stupid boy with an ugly ass haircut, a stupid boy that doesn’t like me.

ANYWAYS 🎉🎉🎉🎊🥳🥳🥳🎂🎂🎊🎁🎁🎉🎉🎊 I TURNED 16 LAST WEEK I’m getting older by the second, I thought I wouldn’t make it that far into life but know HERE I AM HAHA, I’m alive and partially healthy, I didn’t think I’d make it this far but yknow I gotta think for the future, the future where I could be alive, I hope the girl I’ll become is happy, I hope she heals from all this grief and sadness she’s going through, and I hope her hair grows long enough that she can wear it curly🙄😒 I hope she can find someone that makes her happy.

I hope I will be happy.