Something is bothering me.

I thought we had moved past this already. But apparently not. Sigh... I don't really know how to word this right, I guess. 

See, ever since I was a kid I've always said that I wanted to work with animals. I loved birds, so I trained with a bird rehabilitator for a while. I loved insects, so I took entomology at a university during a high school summer program. My first volunteering job was at the county museum working with reptiles, and my second was with a reptile show.

Basically, I have done a lot of animal-related stuff. I have always loved animals and I still do! So, back in 2019, my mom and I took a trip to St. Louis for a wildlife rehab symposium. I took classes online and in person and was studying for an exam to become a licensed rehabilitator. I was already going to start volunteering at a nearby sanctuary.

It was at that point when.... I just.... Decided that I didn't want to do that anymore. A lot of factors came into play in my decision - money, lifestyle, physical requirements... And I really just realized that it wasn't something I could see myself doing and enjoying. It tore me up inside to see animals suffer, and I just didn't think I could do that kind of work.

Not only that, a good 90% of wildlife rehabilitation work is completely unpaid. You'd have to become a nonprofit and rely on donations, which I was willing to do. I bought land, I researched the whole process, I was going to invest in building a facility and took classes for the specifications and everything.

And it was all... Too much. It was too much. It was... Too much.

I didn't want to do it anymore. I found myself not feeling happy. And so I just, stopped everything.

...My mom was extremely disappointed in me. And I mean, extremely. Even now, when I remember how she yelled at me, berated me, called me a failure and an embarrassment, constantly for days on end. It still makes my stomach sink and I feel myself getting depressed and scared.

She was so angry with me, and it really left a massive impact on our relationship, I was ready to just cut all contact with her entirely and move far away to another state or even another country just to get away from the guilt and this feeling of utter failure.

It took a really long time for her to drop it. And, by the way, all of this was happening while I was still quite sick with a chronic condition. I was having several doctor's visits a month and debating on going on disability, she had witnessed me nearly die on one occasion, and yet she was still angry with me.

Anyways.... Fast forward to today. We were out having lunch, and she just suddenly brought that up again. "Why didn't you go through with it? You were so close. I can't believe you didn't do it. All of that was a waste of time. What was the point?"

And then the part that really hurt. "You'd better not do that again with this piloting stuff."

....Right. Because me not wanting to do a job that requires significant physical and emotional strength, seeing animals in pain and die, having to take a rabies vaccine every year, all while not getting paid at all..... Means that I am also going to abandon something that brings me significant joy and freedom?

I'm really just upset about this right now. There's a lot more to this, like how my mom has a history of aggressively trying to shove and force me into careers and clubs that I don't want to be in.

I stopped to talk to my dad about all this, and he mentioned that she had actually brought it up to him last night as well. And his response to her was that she really needed to let it go and leave me be. 

Knowing him, he'll probably talk to mom again and tell her that I vented to him. Which is fine, I don't care, I just don't wanna deal with mom coming back to assert her point with me again. I'm tired. And just knowing that she's still holding that against me after all these years, really does upset me.

I mean, just because I'm not working directly with animals doesn't mean that I stopped liking them. Actually, I was looking at land surveying jobs and those that involve aerial wilflife surveying and even putting out wildfires. I'd love to do a job like that! But if she's still going to be somehow disappointed that I'm not doing something else, yeah, that will be pretty sad.