Journal Entry #18: 03/08/23

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Today wasn't as bad as I thought?

My classmate came in with a bunch of cookies this morning, turns out they were for art club! He was convinced by the art teacher to come. My heart kinda skipped a beat, though little did I know that I was signing up for an emotional Hell!

Anyway, this might as well be the slowest week on Earth. Today felt more like a Friday too, since I took a test, had a party, and had another test moved back to, well, Friday. 

Though, let's get to the issue at hand: the art club. I brought Lucky Charms, but no one took any. Oh well, at least I get to eat them, and so will my dad lol. But the whole time my classmate was there, it was as if I couldn't control myself. It felt as if I wasn't supposed to be there. It was horrible. I don't know what the issue is, he doesn't belong to me, he isn't me, I don't interact with him that much, what's the deal? He was right there, I could have asked him about his artwork, but no. I just didn't do it. Why? For whatever reason, I always find myself more likely to approach someone if they are alone. It makes me feel like I'm accompanying them, and I feel like I'm subject to less public judgment. Ex: the person in question and their friend discuss what just happened. I need to get rid of this fear, it's pretty irrational.

At the end of the club meeting, we ended up on the sensitive topic of religion. Even though I wish to contribute, I always end up staying silent. I seem to find myself defending someone else who doesn't exist, or getting offended on someone else's behalf. I'm my own person. Also, I fear that people will cause outbursts or someone will get mad, even though in this case, the group was mature enough for this to not happen.

Oh, and he said I was sensible? And I took this at first as a compliment? I'm so down catastrophic, it's embarrassing. I need to get a grip on myself.

...and also stop this negative self-talk. Hopefully, he doesn't speak to me tomorrow morning, as if art club never happened. I have one of his cookies in my lunchbox, I may eat it tomorrow.

I wish for better feelings.

Boa noite,

AstraGenesis ┈━═☆

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