another day, another me no take meds

i want to have self-worth. i want to believe that i deserve respect and to feel beautiful, free, calm, intelligent, worth listening to or spending time with. but no matter how much i want that, and how easy it seems to get it, i can't stop feeling otherwise. it is an unshakable boulder that i cast upon myself. like sisyphus. nothing gave me these beliefs. i'm my own abuser.

i despise people who wallow in their self-hatred, who let their egotistical and pathetic excuses of inadequacy prevent them from having authentic, painful and dazzling lives. who won't allow themselves to be wrong, rejected, disappointed or surprised.  and yet, i am one of those people.

𝑀𝐸 𝐼𝑁 𝑀𝑌 𝐷𝑅𝐸𝐴𝑀𝑆 . . .

• she isn't afraid to talk to people because she knows it's a privilege to speak with her
• she gives herself and others a chance instead of deciding how things will end
• she sticks to her values, intuition, tastes, priorities and desires and doesn't change for approval
• she isn't ashamed of how loud she is
• she is loved for all of these things