listen to me rant about a boy (or don’t)

excuse typos, i’m exhausted but i wanted to rant

i guess his name is unique, not that any of you guys will know who it is, you don’t even know who i am. iszak isn’t even my real name. but it’s nice to use, trying a masculine name is a good change. that’s not the point though. i will call this guy plum, there’s a vague ass meaning behind this but i’m sure i’ll get into it. (edit: nvm i finished writing and completely forgot to explain. basically, he has his purple hoodie and i think he looks BEAUTIFUL with it on. my favorite photos of him, he’s wearing it and the color just makes me so happy when i see it. so plum, purple, that’s the correlation)

     anyway, i’m friends with plum. we’re both in high school and i met him freshman year. we had health/gym class together but i really never talked to him, we were both really shy. at the time i had a boyfriend and i would tell him how plum for some reason just caught my eye.

WAIT SIDE NOTE - i had been dating my ex bf for a year at that point. i hadn’t realized then but him and i were having issues, mostly with him being manipulative. this is important to the story i promise.

     so i unintentionally befriended some of his friends and we got close. every once and awhile i’d interact with plum. i’d always cherish those little moments. he had such a sweet smile, he was genuine, kind, and funny. he didn’t even have to try, he was just kinda awkward and weird and it was easy to relate to him. i’d always find myself trying to get his attention but again, i didn’t know why. this was during the first semester (first half) of freshman year. winter break comes around and i come to the realization i’m not happy in my current relationship. 

     my ex wasn’t fully to blame but he was the main problem. he wasn’t really emotionally ready to be in a relax much as he wanted to be. which, okay, that’s definitely valid but at the same time, if you’re not going to express to me your problems between us, don’t expect me to just fix everything for you. he would constantly put all his problems onto my shoulders and expect me to fix them but also if he didn’t tell me his problems, he’d expect me to just read his mind? i was always in the wrong during conversation (he’d call them arguments if we disagreed on the slightest thing). he was right, he was better, it was all about him. i was miserable. at thus point i start to express my feelings to my ex and he just made empty promises to be better and to listen to me more. a complete fail.

     but back to the original story, i come back to school, second semester (second half) of freshman year. i come to the realization i have feelings for plum. i feel terrible. i was in a relationship, it all felt wrong. i get it i was in a bad situation with my partner but i didn’t feel like it was okay to see another person in a romantic way. i shouldn’t think about them more than my boyfriend. but it happened, it went on for the rest of the year but i managed to push those feelings away and convince myself that things had gotten better with my boyfriend and i. again, i was wrong. things only got worse. 

     my boyfriend had came out to me as polyamorous. this is where things get sticky. when we started dating in 2020, i never thought of the possibility of having a somewhat open relationship. i accept and support polygamy but i know it’s something that’s just not for me. i told him i was accepting of course because how could i not? it’s not something i should have a say in. him and i talked and he said he wouldn’t date anyone else but he just wanted me to know that it was going to be normal for him to like more than one person at once. i told him how unsure i was but i was willing to keep seeing him. slowly though, this promise started to fall through. he started going through talking stages, flirting, touching, things couples do. he did more with other people than he did with me. he even started to blow me off for these other people. i once again express to him i’m unsure and maybe things won’t work out for us. but he insisted we keep trying. during this time, i’ve gotten closer to plum. we talked a bit more, especially one on one, he’d find me after school, he’d make time for me. obviously this guy is just a friend but he made me realize, if a friend can treat me better than my boyfriend, clearly my boyfriend isn’t best for me nor my mental health. 

     school ends, i’m now considered a sophomore. things only get worse with my ex. there might've not be a label to the relationship but he basically had a boyfriend. i couldn’t handle being in the relationship anymore, i wasn’t going to let him convince me that we could work things out again. i had given him too many chances. i thought more and more about plum during summer break and i knew i had to break up with my ex. but, my foolish self convinced myself that maybe it was just nerves from starting twelfth grade that was making me “overreact”. so i stayed with him. 

     school starts, i get a new schedule, almost a new start. a somewhat clean slate. for the first few weeks i sat with a friend of mine but then they started to low key ditch me to be a stoner (which is valid ig, they ended up making more friends so that was a cool opportunity for them). i sat alone for a few days until my old friend (plum’s and I’s mutual, friend) fri health class found me and called me to sit with him. he dragged me to the outside tables and he was there. i saw plum. not to be cringey or cliche but i swear, my heart skipped a beat. it was a hot day too and i couldn’t tell if i was sweating from the sun or from seeing him at the table. he saw me and immediately invited me to sit with him. i remember him jokingly yelling at his friend to move over and make room for me. i hadn’t talked to him at all during break or for the first few weeks of school but i swear, it was like no time had passed. if anything, i felt closer to him. we talked the entire period. usually with people i talk to, i managed to have that awkward lull but with him, nothing of the sort happened. the period definitely went by fast, too fast. 

     after that day, i sat with him and his friends everyday. i ended up befriending them and getting even closer to plum. we eventually get to the point where we start to share food. this is a huge thing for me because i’m a giant germaphobe. i hate sharing food, letting people stick their used utensils in my food, all of that. but with him, i trusted him. i’d pick at his food and he picked at mine. he mostly ate school lunch but i didn’t care, the whole ritual felt so intimate, the act of sharing was more important than the food. this one time stood out to me where i brought a mexican dish, chilaquiles. he’s also mexican so he was able to appreciate it and he told me “tomorrow i’ll make some and i’ll share with you.” my heart swelled. he cared enough to make food just so i can try it out. i remembered him previously saying he didn’t really like to cook so this was big. the next day we shared chilaquiles, it was magical. he was so adorable, telling me about his process and asking me how i made mine. he was genuinely interested and he wasn’t trying to get me to shut up, just so he could talk about himself like my ex did. i was happy.

     finally, enough is enough and i break up with my boyfriend. honestly, words cannot express the genuine relief i felt once i said it was over. this was amazing. it did hurt, yes. i was miserable but at some point i did actually love him. i can’t say the real was all bad but around the end, it was more bad than good. we break up and i’m a little angsty from the whole situation. honestly the only person who had noticed was plum. he talked to me, kind of in an awkward way but it really didn’t faze me, he’s always awkward. he ended up helping me feel way better and i realized, i didn’t have to feel guilty for having feelings for him. 

     we get closer as the semester goes on, in general this was great because it’s hard for me to connect with someone. i’m very closed off and honestly the only person who really knew me was my ex. plum was getting pretty close to knowing the actual me. he started taking pictures me of me which i noticed is a regular thing friends do. all of our friends took pictures of me. most of the pictures taken were of me so at some point i just got used to it. there really isn’t any meaning to photos anymore but there are two moments i had where i felt something. one time, technically wasn’t even a photo but there was a mention of it. our friend had said something that kinda ruined the vibe of the table so plum and i gave each other a knowing look, basically saying “wow, this is awkward”. this was pretty normal since that friend always made things awkward. that’s not the point, anyway, we made a basic/plain face where we widen our eyes and purse our lips. we both did the look and stared at each other. i was trying to hold in my laughter because i thought the whole situation was funny and so doing that, my cheeks puffed out. he broke out of the face and told me “aww, i wish i had my phone out so i could take a picture of you, you looked so cute.” listen guys, plum complimenting someone, let alone calling them cute, is like insane. there’s no way anyone would believe you if you told them that actually happened. this was months ago and i still remember it as if it were yesterday. 

another time was when i was watching his phone. i was leaning against him and watching him play a game. he gets a notification and opens it. i really don’t look at it because it’s none of my business. anyway, he typed for a little and then opened up the camera. he takes a picture of me leaning against him and you could see the corner of his mouth in the photo, he was smiling. god, i’m squealing thinking just thinking about it. like i said before, i never really think anything of pictures being taken if me but then i see he sends it to someone. so i grill him on it like ‘hey who was that, why do they have a picture of me now?’ he got so flustered and just completely ignored me. i trusted him so i just assumed it was someone we knew. i thought about it thought and oh my god, it was so cute. he took a picture of me and essentially showed me off. i don’t really send people pictures of my friends, i had only sent pictures of plum. part of me hoped he did it for the same reason. 

     kind of fast forwarding, second semester starts (current time). my feelings for him only grow, it’s genuinely embarrassing. i start talking to another mutual friend we have. we get each other’s socials and we start texting like everyday. i’m not sure how but she managed to get me to admit that i had feelings for plum. she started to basically expose him on how much he’d talk about me, he’d smile when i’d text him, just cute stuff. then i find out, she was the person plum had sent that picture of me to. turns out, there were numerous pictures! she said it was so cute and she was positive he felt the same way toward me. they’ve been friends since they were maybe around eight years old, she knew him more than i did so i trusted her. everyday after that, she’d just find more reasons to prove that he liked me back. ALSO SHE MENTIONED THAT SHE DIDNT HAVE HIS NUMBER AND I WAS LIKE ,HUH??? YOUVE KNOWN HIM SINCE MIDDLE SCHOOL THOUGH’. AND I TOLD HER THAT HE LITERALLY BEGGED ME FOR MY NUMBER (i’m not comfortable giving it out) SO SHE WAS LIKE ‘DUDE, HE WANTS YOU SO BAD’

IM GOING TO GET SO SILLY RN

     HE STARTED FLIRTING WITH ME, TOUCHING ME BUT ALSO LIKE HERES THE THING. HE HATES PHYSICAL TOUCH. HE HATES IT (GIVING AND RECEIVING) I NEVER PUSHED HIS BOUNDARIES BECAUSE I UNDERSTAND HIM. BUT THERE HAS BEEN TIMES WHERE HE TOUCHED MY LOWER BACK, HELD MY HANDS, GRABBED MY SHOULDERS, CHRIST, HES PINNED ME TO A LOCKER BEFORE! not in like a sexual way, he was messing with me but the point it, he’s comfortable with me to get in my personal space without it being awkward.

    we start texting everyday, he meets me at my locker, he’s admitted to finding out my schedule to see me during passing periods (which, i’ll admit it creepy but i may or may not have also done the same…) and like UGH he makes time for me! and one time he asked me to go as his date for an after school thing. and like, he has so many other friends who i’m sure he’s closer with. so the fact that he asked ME is insane. he even asked me to see him perform for school (he plays an instrument). I WAS CONVINCED HE WANTED ME

GUESS WHO WAS WRONG

I WAS SO WRONG

A WEEK AGO HE ADMITTED TO LIKING A GIRL

A GIRL HE DOESNT EVEN KNOW

FUCK

IM OVER THINKING! WAS I READING INTO THINGS TOO MUCH? DID I ROMANTICIZE FRIENDLY THINGS? OR DID HE ACTUALLY LIKE ME AND I MISSED MY CHANCE TO MAKE A MOVE?

my issue is, i can’t have a relationship. i’m not ready and he even said he wouldn’t want to date. but i learned that just knowing feelings are mutual, that can slowly lead into more. i quite literally fumbled and i’m trying so hard not to push plum out of my life. im down in the DUMPS over a man who doesn’t want me. i’m genuinely embarrassed like dude im better than this… so yeah. i want to get over him but also not really. i need a distraction.

i might add into this later on, thanks for reading if you did. comments are cool, i love responding :)

- i

new addition May 15th

so i he moved on to another girl but from what i can tell, he really isn’t into her but she’s really into him. i’m mutuals with her and she talks about him nonstop. like she doesn’t say who but she’s been so open about her feelings toward him, we already know. but every time we mention her to him, he gets uncomfortable? which is valid, especially if he’s not interested but UGH it feels so wack because this girl likes him, i don’t want to get in the way but also he doesn’t like her, so am i really getting in the way?

to be honest though, i’m really trying to get over him. him and i are so different, no way things would actually work out if the feelings were mutual. there is this guy i’m kinda interested in but he’s also pretty different than me. he’s really into his mexican culture. i try to be but it’s difficult when i don’t know much about it. the difference in our daily lives is what makes such a big disconnect. i feel totally white washed compared to him but i really clicked with him because of our similar music taste. we used to talk during our gym period but i got too awkward i think and drifted from him. i might’ve ruined any chance of having some sort of relationship with him, platonic or romantic. 

so here i am, still pining over a boy after almost a full year and then completely fumbling with another guy. 

- i

Feb 17, 2024

     finally getting over this guy. lots happened between us, things that lead me to believe he liked me back. we both crossed lines with each other and i truly believed things were mutual. but he said he’s just close to me and he’s comfortable. which i appreciate at least, i’m glad my friend found some sort of safe space with me. but i’ll admit it was a hit heart breaking to know it was one sided.

     i haven’t been seeing him that much. he’s busy and so am i. maybe it’s for the best. esp in the process of getting over him. i miss him but it’s whatever. it’s kinda stupid and a bit hard to explain but during all this time of liking him, i kinda started to lose myself. i wasn’t keeping up with my hobbies, i was even more depressed, and i was just in general, very unproductive. i can tell im actually getting over him because i’ve been creating again. i’ve drawn, written, made jewelry, and so much more. i’ve been seeing my other friends and our relationships have gotten much stronger. im still hurt about him but im definitely doing better in life. :3

- i