Self Appearance and Health (yay)

Alright. So. Fitness. Kinda a big deal for me.

Why though?

When I was younger, I always was kind of chubby. Like not exactly obese or nun but kind of plump. ;) ;) ;)

But anyway, I never really cared about any sort of physical aspect of myself (As a grade schooler and middle schooler should) But overall, I was pretty cute. Until middle school when I obviously became a lot older. 6th grade, I didn't care about my looks that much but a sense of popularity and status started to become introduced. I'm really not proud of my 6th grade style but it consisted of my ugly braces, vans, and a hoodie. I (think) I wore- oh my god. 

Going off track a bit but hair. I do not like my hair at all. (I dunno what's stopping me from shaving it myself) But my Dads always told me that I have my mom's hair. The "good" hair. But I don't like it. It's straight as hell, it sticks up, and just has a mind of it's own. But Elementary school. Didn't care about my hair until (I know it's super stupid) P.E. We were playing sharks and minoes or sum and this girl I knew was like "Your hairs sticking up" and that was it. After that, I really cared about my hair. I don't know why but I like to think that that was the reason. And then it just spiraled from there because I used hard core gel. And that probably wasn't a good time for that because at that time, my favorite YouTuber was DanTDM. So yeah. If you want to know who I got style inspiration from just look up "Old DanTDM."

BLEEEGGHHHHHHH BLECGH BLEEEHHHHHHH

(He's my all time fave yt creator)

(but i don't watch him no more)

But then, in 5th grade, I discovered the magical wonders of wearing HATS!!!

I randomly chose one of my grandpa's many car show hats and wore that hat until it literally broke.

But for the majority of 6th grade I was rockin the vans, walmart hoodie, and hat. And it was ugly as helll. But it was alright because everybody was coming in from elementary and didn't care.

7th grade, I literally don't remember. That was all a flash but still bad style. I also didn't really care about my looks that much but I had really long ugly hair that I combed back and I hate it I hate it I hate it. I was still not really in the best shape. I used to eat whatever I wanted and didn't think at all.

8th grade was where it started to spiral. At that point social status and popularity became clear and I began trying new styles. I can't say that I was proud of my fits but it was a crucial step to finding my overall style now. 

But at the beginning of the year I overall didn't think much of my health or self image.

But during the winter, I guess something happened that really made me self conscious about my looks. So I started running. It started as running for fun, then practicing for sports in the spring, then for self appearance. At first I just ran as far as I could and was proud of that. Then I researched and began running certain time spans. Then 1 mile, 2 miles, and settled on 3 miles. I have some interesting memories of just listening to my music and running, pushing myself, reminding myself that this would benefit me and turn me into the person I wanted to be. And after a few months of that I started looking at other workouts, surrounding myself into fitness and exercising. I used my phones fitness app to use at home workouts of like sit ups and lunges and what not.

There's not really much wrong with that but it was the beginning of a spiral into self doubt, and the start of illness. 

Then school started up again. It was a new year. And definitely a new me. 

Once it started, I began thinking more about what people thought of me. A few people I really cared about what they thought of me, and how they looked. Hoping they would think I looked good or cool.

Once it started, I began declining into a worse mental state, thinking about how I didn't have many friends or a social life. And the only way I thought to improve that was to make myself look better.

And so I took a real long look at myself and tried to evaluate what I was most self conscious about, obviously being, my body.

And so what could I do about this? I've been exercising but there's no change. Oohhhhh. My diet. Ok. I'll just eat less. 

And so, not doing any research, I gave myself the limit of under 1,000 calories per day. This went on for about a month.

During the day I would try to limit myself on snacks and extra foods, and eating only 1 serving of dinner. It started off good but obviously declined. I ate less and less, skipping breakfast, then skipping lunch, then trying to skip dinner as often as I could, or eating barely any portions. Then going up to my room and calculating how many calories I ate. "Yes. 600! That's pretty good!" And as time went on, I ate less and less for longer periods of time, sometimes only eating 1 meal over the span of days.

I went from 150 to 120. I literally became a stick. Late spring. A new kid came. I invited him into our group and became friends with him. This was around the time I started to take a new outlook on my health. I began to take up running again even though I was depriving myself of food which ultimately led to even more weight loss.

And sure I know this could sound appealing but those few months were awful. I basically felt like a shell. Completely empty with absolutely no energy at all.

But oh my God he ate soooo much food and was sooo skinny. But that changed my outlook of my diet. So I started researching different nutrients and safely maintaining a healthy diet. And I learned about metabolisms and what not. So instead of depriving myself, I slowely adjusted my diet. I still skipped breakfast but I started to eat lunch again, only eating the fruits and veggies. At home I started to eat more berries and fruits. And eat dinner also.

And over time, with more research and learning, I safely adjusted my diet, trying to eat a healthy amount of food but still restricting myself. This was around the time I started using todays sponsor- (I'm kidding)

But around that time I started using fitness pal. I was obsessed with logging what I ate and how much I ate, which resulted in an unhealthy decline. But then I slowley began to build a more healthy view of it. I started actually eating the school lunches, eating a snack after I got home, and eating as much dinner as I felt I needed. Still skipping breakfast though. Around that time, I also began to try using weights. Before that I stopped running because I felt it was too cold and because I was too tired but I would go into our spare room and do whatever with the barbell and 10 pound dumbells we had.

Then school ended. I was in our house all day, not having any distractions of food. I became more loose with my diet. And finally started eating breakfast again. I would eat oatmeal or greek yogurt everyday followed with a snack, lunch, snack, then dinner. I restricted myself of processed foods and candy, going by this one reddit post I saw. 

Everytime I crave some sort of bad food or candy, I ask myself. "When's the next time I'm going to have this? Do we often have this?"

And I also think about if my future self will appreciate my efforts now.

So if I saw that we bought some chips or something I'd ask myself. "How often do I get to have these? Is this something I'm not going to have access to in weeks or months?" And usually it's like a bag of Doritos or like a Hostess cake or something, which we have extremely easy access to. So no. I don't need it. Future me also wouldn't appreciate this. Sure it tastes good but I already know what it tastes like and how I'm going to feel. I'm just going to want another one. It's kinda of a sugar high in a way.

But, for example, I was in VT with my cousins last year. We went to this really good ice cream stand, that (I think) made their own ice cream. I usually stayed in VT for all of summer break and their parents don't buy snacks or desserts like that. So I thought, when's the next time I'm going to have ice cream like this? Would future me remember this?

So I got some birthday cake icecream. Probably really unhealthy but we only went to that stand 2 or 3 times. And yes, I still remember that day, and I don't regret it. And now they've moved to Arizona so I have no way of going back to that stand, which makes the memory even more treasured.

But a giant Kit Kat bar at the gas station? I mean, I want it but will I remember it? Will I have access to it again soon? Yes. And if I ate it it would just be another candy bar mindlessly eaten with no thought just for the sugar or for the 2 minutes of pleasure it brings me.

And to counter cravings for candy or sugar, I usually try to think like that. Somewhat rationally. And if I still feel like I need it, I just eat some fruit, or try to figure out why my brain is craving it.

And yk you don't have to literally never eat something like that again. I mean, just the other day I was looking in our pantry and though: "When was the last time I had a rice krispie treat?" Literally not in a year. So, I ate one. I mean, I've been good about not going crazy with treats like that for almost a year so I might as well eat one as a reward. 

And yes, I still struggle with binge eating. That was a huge factor. And sure, sometimes 1 can lead to 2 then 3 then the entire container but I'm working on that.

But the takeaway is, I'M NOT A PROFESSIONAL I'M JUST EXPLAINING WHAT I WENT THROUGH SO I ACCEPT NO LIABILITY TO NUN.

And rn I'm doing better. I've gotten back up to 140 pounds, at least 85% being not fat. (I wouldn't say muscle cause I'm still literally a stick.) But I try to take the healthy option, or rationalize my cravings. And with that, I've paired physical activity. I strive for 10,000 steps a day, with dedicated cardio scattered through my week, and a daily workout routine. (Ofc taking breaks every few days don't kill yourself) And having daily tennis practice and hopefully starting kick boxing. 

I've got a lot on my plate right now...