MARCH/6/2023

March 6th 2023 7:43 AM

Lyric: Full of love I can't control

Mood: happy 

Yesterday Will and I got on the subway and just kept going until they kicked us off lol

I mostly slept the whole time (on his shoulder ofc) while he drew random people he saw but we also chatted and looked through instagram and stuff. It was so...I don't know. It was so fun and comfortable. I used to hate public transportation. It just felt so uncomfortable to be sitting alone on a bus or subway full of strangers. And I've had a few traumatic experiences with it...but with Will it just felt more like sitting on a train watching the world go by. Like when I was a child in France and we would go into Paris and I'd just sit on the train and look out the window and daydream.

Then we came home and watched the new TLOU episode. I'm really sad it's ending next week I don't want it to! It's so nice to have some show to look forward to every week. I love binging through shows but there's also something fun about having to wait.

Sometimes I fall into a trap of like "magical thinking" or more like...mathematical thinking? Like "statistically, if I work the same job every day for a while at some point I'm going to have a customer yell at me so really it's my fault that they yelled at me and I deserve it" type of thing? Instead of just admitting that it's shitty for someone to yell at me? You know? I fall into it constantly and I always have to stop myself because I can seriously spiral with it. It's weird.

When I was younger I theorized that my special interests and hyperfixations follow the trend of being about whatever I need at that point in my life. So, for instance, when all my friends left me and I was super lonely I fixated on media with themes about friendship (MLP, Undertale) and when I really needed a strong, safe father figure to protect me I fixated on media that had dad-like characters I could latch onto (Batman, Overwatch, TLOU the game not the show this was like 2018 lol), but I wonder now what Hannibal and Breaking Bad mean.

Anyway I love when people on Tumblr write little drabbles about my favorite characters. YES I want to hear about your head canon that Jesse has epilepsy. I want to hear EVERYTHING about it. I love to know that other people care about these characters as much as I do. I just think fan fiction is fun in general (obviously, considering how much I've written). I really hope that one day I'll be able to look up my own original work and see people writing fan fiction for it and talking about their little head canons and stuff. That's my dream. I want people to love my dumb little characters.

Song: Are You Satisfied? by Marina and the Diamonds