WHATS BEEN HAPPENING!!!

GOD I HATE THIS. alright, well its a good thing to confess! TW also for people about stuff like self-harm/substance abuse/unhealthy relationships/swear words. i dont wanna trigger anyone with this entry cuz i would like to send lots of luv to you all honestly

Alright so from july-march i was in a pretty bad relationSHIT. Im talking about some real on and off kind of stuff too. MY FRIEND COUNTED, i was a clown 9 times. Good thing i want to be a clown. anyways as the relationship drew on i started drinking (quit in oct) and also got introduced to weed by him. I drank because he started talking about this other girl in a not so friend way to me, his girfriend at the time... kinda fucking weird. not as weird as the time we went on a "break" and he IMMEDIATELY started talking about his NEW CRUSH on some guy from his cruise who HE DOESNT EVEN TALK TO ANYMORE. god he pisses me off. anyways he cheated on me twice with that girl and toyed with our hearts but we're cool cuz shes not a bitch like him.(she also still commissions me!!!) He had started yelling at me too around oct-nov, which sucks, especially when he drove me to only talking to him so i'd constantly be in a toxic environment dealing with his stupid opinions. HE HAD A PROBLEM WITH MY PINTEREST BOARD... WHO FUCKING DOES THAT????? ITS MY INTERESTS, ITS SORTED, FUCKING DEAL WITH IT. all cuz i "DiDn'T hAvE A sPeCiFic aEstHetIc oR sChEmAtIc" to it. i like different things and aesthetics i should be able to enjoy it all on the same board as long as its sorted!! all of winter break was spent on silent calls, where id do something small and when he finally wanted me to join hi on something and i was busy with another thing he'd get all fussy and upset and act like a toddler. and that pushed me off the fucking edge.

I went to a "behavioral correction facility" nearby because of my mental state dealing with him. (of course there are other factors im not gonna blame him for everything but hes a good portion) and i had a good time in there. spent around 5 days there and was out fast. The last thing my roommate told me was to break up with him after hearing all the shit he did to me. so thats what i did. Broke up with him immediately. Now i wont lie, i did jump into 2 relationships which lasted about a week each, at the start of january, but have since then taken time for myself right now. but i didnt get better until around recently because from jan-mar i was doing self harm from taking 40 tylenol, cutting my face, stabbing my arm with a safety pin (how ironic), and strangling myself with a chain. im feeling better now though. 

I've started to want to be a mother again, which is a good sign. it means i see myself living longer. i just think it'd be real sweet to raise, nurture, and care for kids. I could go on and on about all the reasons why i want kids! they just seem so neat like THEY COME FROM A LITTLE EGG THAT FITS ON YOUR FINGERNAIL AND JUST GROWS AND GROWS AND GROWS UP TO THE SIZE OF YOU OR EVEN BIGGER!!! NOT ONLY THAT BUT THEY GET HOBBIES, INTERESTS, LIKES AND DISLIKES, OPINIONS, ATTITUDES, AND PERSONALITIES!!!! ID LOVE NOTHING MORE THAN TO TEACH AND GIVE MY KIDS MY WHOLE WORLD!!! god i love babies and theyll always be my babies even if they're grown ASS ADULTS. and they dont have to be successful or doing good, i will take care of them for as long as they need to get back on their feet however many times thatll be. 

ANYWAYS THAT LAST PART WAS REALLY UNNECESSARY AND THIS IS A MOUTHFUL FOR SOMEONE TO READ SO IF YOU DID IM VERY GREATFUL AND IF YOU HAVE ANY QUESTIONS OR COMMENTS ID LOVE TO SEE AND REPLY TO YOU GUYS!!! LUV YALLL, PEACE✌︎✌︎✌︎