diabla diaries | 3.4.23

opening night went so well! i had so many people tell me i was showstopping, even LEE. 

i passed him and his friend talking in an empty hallway, when he saw me he stopped talking and looked at me and said "great performance." and i, so flattered and so happy he spoke to me said "thank you!!" as i continued walking, he and his friend did not keep talking. it was really quiet. this got me excited. a small part of me wants to believe he likes me, but i feel stupid for entertaining that idea. if he does like me, he'd only like me from afar. if he ever got to know me then he'd discover my inner ugliness. i am a covert narcissist. i am frustrated and closed off when the world goes off my script and i'm not in control. i am defensive and melodramatic and codependent, manipulative and spoiled and selfish. i don't know how to live any other way and i will die like this.

we'll get together and it'll be fun and sweet- for a time. he will discover my terrible qualities and slowly it'll become more obvious to me that he is bored. this will cause me to do anything i can to keep him with me, even sacrificing my dignity, just so i can prove that i'm not disposable. and as i do it i will realize all of his terrible qualities and become tired of him. he will anticlimactically break up with me, and i will lose even more faith because i've once again wasted my time. he will date someone else who is fun and carefree and has self worth. someone who gives him wings instead of being like a weight on his shoulder. by the end, we'll inevitably disappoint each other.

luckily this won't ever happen, because my defensiveness and capacity to overthink will prevent me from even trying to get close to him. for now i'll watch him from afar and think of what could be if only i wasn't the way i am.