some kimi ni todoke thoughts [emeto warning!]

omg i snagged @madoka, @pmmm and @mondstadt on sharespace! hehe :) 

anyway last night was rough ;; i got triggered and threw up because i was rewatching kimi ni todoke and for some reason an episode hit home way too much? all i remember was bawling my eyes out and i don't even remember what really happened in the episode that made me feel so... emotional. all i remember was being unable to think when i lay down for bed and then i needed to throw up. 

:(

it was something about the way it was about being misunderstood to an extreme, i think... it was like watching one of my worst fears play out in real time. and since the main character, sawako, is really relatable (she's so autistic coded though omg) i was like. ah. hm. okay. i don't know if i kin her but yeah i could really empathise with her in the scene and it was. really. something. to watch. 

it ended happily with her being protected by her friends, which makes me want to cry again because that's so sweet and isn't something which has. ever really happened to me before. because i was always the one being strong and standing up for others. but i guess i just felt like... wistful. because i want that too. i want friends who will be there for me and be willing to fight for me. 

i have ellis. it's my best friend, not just my partner. and that is already a huge leap from having no one who would be willing to fight for me. but having a partner that wants to fight you isn't really the same as having a support network who would, which is what sawako had in that episode, and is what made me sob like a baby. 

anyway. i know i just need to keep trying. keep trying just like sawako, keep putting myself out there, trying different approaches, and learning from the last time. using my partner's faith in me to have faith in myself. i'll do my best.