haaii

okay i am back here because i need to. desperately. wind down from intense socialising on sharespace, vent, twitter... this is the only social media that feels actually easy on me in terms of energy usage. i know it's because i use it primarily for reflecting at length, instead of like... trying to specifically cater to anyone's needs. it's much nicer in terms of just letting me be. on sharespare i feel driven to help and be silly and make friends all of the time. on vent i express myself, but the environment feels fundamentally changed since everything happened, so much so that i'm restraining myself now; i'm hesitant to really use it like i used to. and twitter just has me doomscrolling and retweeting cute animals and pretty art nonstop. none of these apps allows me to recharge. 

spacehey does.

it makes me dive deep, internally. it makes me think and it makes me reflect and it makes me more mindful of myself and my behaviour. 

ellis helped me realise i do need to relax on my own to work through this burnout. self-care takes energy too, but i believe if you do it right you get the energy back tenfold. i simply need to turn all my kindness, empathy and care inwards. i need to be sure to treat myself how i treat my loved ones. i need to be sure to do the things that make it easier on myself to recover. 

i deserve to make it through this. i deserve to give myself the opportunity to recover, to heal and grow. i am worth kindness, empathy and care -- just as much as anyone else. it's hard to remember that i need to treat myself the right way because i've been taught otherwise for a long time, but i know part of growing up is building new sustainable habits and growing further into myself. 

i'll try my best.