Perception and Self esteem

A friend of mine told me recently that I'm a small thing that people gravitate toward to protect and to be honest Im not sure if I see myself that way. I like to think that I know myself pretty well, I know what I like, my limits, and how my body responds to things. But something else you should know is that I have expressed my insecurities with myself on paper several thousand times but every time I write long paragraphs about what I don't like about myself to point of soaking the paper with my tears the next day I'm as normal as ever. I don't like to let people see me cry or see me like that. I know that's not what I should do but I think putting this online will do something else that I never got before. 

I'm the type of person that always wants people to have a good impression of me, but I can't see how they see me and if I did that successfully. I always try and find a way to sneak the question "What did you think of me when we first met?" to my friends but I never get the answer I wanted.

I know I try too hard to get people to like me like wearing makeup, following trends, and doing my hair. That also includes my school work at times I put too much into a slide show or poster for a class just to get the response "That looks good."  Putting on an image can change the way you see yourself. I have periods about twice a month where I won't like what I look like but make myself think that I do. I think this quote sums it up "Well I knew that I wasn't attractive so I would overcome it by loudness and a forced jollity." 

Things got pretty bad to the point that I would not eat or I would eat very little, about a month ago I wanted to start working out all because I didn't like how the side profile of my body looked. Social media definitely does not help. My nose is at the top of my list of insecurities, when I'm sketching people I often draw them with straight or good noses to counteract my own. Don't take pity on me or change your attitude towards how you see me cause that does nothing. This is a process that takes time to understand and for me, I'm 2/5 of the way there, so if you ever see me walking around and I'm smiling and laughing I might be faking it or I might not but the thing is you will never know which is which. To end this I quote Fantastic Mr. Fox "I think has this thing where I need everybody to think I'm the greatest the quote-unquote fantastic Mr fox. and if people aren't knocked out dazzled and slightly intimidated by me, I don't feel good about myself."