asphyxiated

song: Nothing Compares (Bonus Track) - YouTube

honestly, i hate thinking about you. but its something i have been doing a lot of recently. you occupy more space in my mind than you should, but i don't have it in me to evict these thoughts.

i miss being understood. with me feeling so distant, and disconnected from the world, i don't feel like anyone understands me anymore. i don't even feel present.

you know, i guess i have a selective mutism of sorts. and its ironic cause i only go mute regarding topics that i wish people would understand me on the most. inside i'm screaming, yelling, "please listen to me, please hear me out!". but nothing comes out, so how can i be heard? its like trying scream when you're at the bottom of the ocean and expecting people on the surface to hear you. 

or maybe i'm more of a calm river; if you look at my surface, you'll be able to see yourself. but thats all you be able to see, because i'm not present, i can't be detected... all i ever do is reflect the people around me. like how oceans do.

and i hate it. i feel like a prisoner in my own body. i just want to be let out. but i can't speak... it's like im drowning. i'm fighting my way to the surface, fighting against the current. but guess what. i'm losing. why wouldn't i? i don't know how to swim, i never learnt. i tried to but my fears washed over me.

so here i am, sinking further and further into the ocean with each passing day. it is becoming harder and harder to detect me in this body of water.

and yet, i miss you because when i was drowning, you reached your hand out. and for once in my life, i actually took it. i took your hand, and i let you pull me out. i started to open up, and soon enough, my head came to the surface.

but being underwater distorts how things look on the outside.  and when i resurfaced, i saw you for who you were. 

so i let go.

i don't know what the shore looks like anymore. so all i can do is reminisce on the last time i saw it.  certain songs let me hear it. but the serenity of the shore is something of a stranger now.

and whilst you just happened to be there, when i saw the world, you were also the reason i sunk back in.

and i will never forget either of those things. 

but i hope one day i will forget you.