moving in! {update:house, mental health, capitalism..}

on the 23rd of February, we officially moved into a house! a homelessness & housing company gave us this commission house with a 12 month lease, but after 6 months they are going to check up on us and the house and may even extend our lease or let us stay here forever! (however long forever is lel) i am really happy, though moving in was stressful. my family shed a few tears, and i tried not to as to not upset my family. we went back to the motel to return the key and say our goodbyes to the motel staff, and Leoni (motel assistant manager) was saying goodbye to us. she gave us all hugs and when she hugged me, she said this: "be true to you, you don't have time to figure all this shit out" and thats when i cried, though i hid my face. the motel has been nothing short of kind with us, making our stay as comfy and homey as possible, and i'll forever be grateful. that period in my life of homelessness, worrying about where i will sleep tomorrow night and depression is now just a memory. i have a special place in my heart for room 20, where we stayed. i haven't had the chance to have a good cry of relief yet, i've been busy moving stuff in and being sick (i have the flu rn). though at night i turn off my light, open my curtain and turn on some music and a wave of euphoria washes over me, i feel so alive. i haven't had my little late night raves in forever. its nice to be alone in a bedroom again, though it gets hot throughout the day cuz we only have ceiling fans and no A/C. my cat Cinnamon is settling in nicely, though shes found her hiding spaces inside my pillow case and inside our recliner chairs lol. other than that, i live next door to my friends BF and hes kinda swag, i can get weed and cigs from him. you can see the stars perfectly from here, as we live up a hill, its gorgeous. the interior of the house reminds me of the house we used to live in before the one we moved out of, except the rooms are smaller. i live closer to another friend, and she actually made us a cake yesterday, we picked it up and it was SO GOOD! (we ate it all lol) overall, i'm genuinely so happy that i have peace and comfort right now.

my mental health is sitting at the same level it was before though, most times i still feel really numb, or i feel every emotion tuned up to 100% (undiagnosed BPD sux) and my eating disorder is getting worse which i knew would happen cuz now i can exercise in secret and hide away from food, in fact, Leoni said she noticed i lost weight since i first went into the motel, which spun some cogs in my ED brain. 

i think what would help settle some issues with me would be getting a job to occupy myself, though my severe anxiety doesn't like leaving the house without a person, or talking to strangers, so if i do get a job, it has to be one where i work maybe in the kitchen or alone, idk. i wish i was like my friend Abby, she has 3 jobs and is great with people, shes such a good worker and saves her money well. speaking of money, i need it lol. i only have $15 in my wallet, i don't even have a bank account. i wanna start buying my own things. ugh i wish i wasnt so scared of the world so i could work in this shitty capitalist society that doesnt give a fuck about the lower people and only the higher ups get what they want, i mean, you really think you're going somewhere with your job, but your cunt of a manager is getting paid more than you, and even they think they're getting somewhere but the CEOs and owners are the ones who really get it all. fuck fame, fuck the government, fuck this society. they dont care about anyone. im in the lower class so i have first hand experience of the world not caring. not only are we on poverty lines, but most of the family suffers with illness. my dads on a disability pension and me and my mum suffer with mental illnesses. life is hard, not i'm not trying to "compete" on whos life is worse, but this is my world view.

sorry about that rant, i just hate how classist the world can be. but yeah, thats my life currently. hope this was exciting news and i'll be going to cry about my blocked nose and sickness now. byeeeeee!!1!1