not interested [sad vent]

so... i guess this is blog post #1. hi!

here's a song before we get started:] The Weeknd - Faith (Audio) - YouTube

no introductions cause who has time ? and who am i? it's a question i ask myself a lot, but let me not digress.

life has been so hard lately. i feel like most days, i'll wind up crying about one thing or another. i haven't really been happy in a long time... my heart hurts so badly.

it feels like i have so much to do. i am so worried about failing one of my modules in university, and its really getting to me. i feel so much pressure to pass, and it also makes me feel uncertain. if i'm struggling now, how much more will i struggle in the future? will  i have a future ? is this route really the one for me ?

i mean, good things don't come easy-- sure. and life is hard ! i don't dispute these things but i just question... how hard is it meant to be ?? if my brother was here, he'd follow that up with "that's what she said" LOL. am i supposed to be in this much pain ? and if so, why ? 

life just feels real truman show-y.

i'm holding onto God because He is all i can hold on to. my pain in the present will pale in comparison to the peace and prosperity that's coming. i'm echoing the bible here, in my own words. even people who do not believe in religion at all like to utter something similar. "better days are coming", "stay strong", etc. these sentiments are inescapable and yet i'm deluding myself into thinking there's a way out of this echo chamber of reassurance. its easier to just listen to what people are saying than to actively fight against it. so why am i ? why do i refuse to give things a shot ?

well, i'm impatient. i don't want to see the goodness and glory and the supposed "better days" that are waiting for me. it's a horrible truth, and i'm sorry. it is very hard for me to imagine any measure of serenity that is worth the torment i have been through. that's not to say it doesn't exist (i've always been terrible at visualising things), because i believe it does. 

i'm just ...no longer interested. 

in some things, i never have been; in this world, i never will be.

i think that's part of why i love space so much... :)