Being Held Accountable

Something not fun just happened to me, but I'm kind of glad it did?

So I have my crunchyroll account connected to my discord so all my friends can see what I'm watching. Last night, I binged a show which was definitely not something I should've done and closed my laptop when I was about to fall asleep instead of closing the window like usual.

Thing is, the show has sexual content in it. And I knew it. Kept watching it anyway for the plot and skipped the bad stuff, but it still wasn't right. Especially when I knew other people could see what I was watching.

Anyway. Today, I went about my day unaware that the thumbnail of the episode was visible on my discord account. This evening, I saw a bunch of notifications and two of my good long-distance friends had DM'd me asking what I was watching with a picture of the thumbnail, and it was quite disturbing. I think this was a necessary callout. Like, it was supposed to happen since I ignored all the warning signs about this show.

Thing is, I'm a sucker for time travel or time-related anime, so I ignored some things that went against my morals just for the concept. Yes, I was disturbed with all the stuff, but kept going anyway just to escape reality for a sec. But there are a million other amazing shows that are a hundred times better and cleaner.

It might not be a big deal for a lot of people, but it is to me. I'm a Christian, but I don't avoid sexual stuff because it's against my religion. It's more like... a genuine want to be constantly improved by being more like Jesus. But watching the show wasn't exactly Christlike. It wasn't intentionally a lustful thing either, but the whole experience just wasn't good. I didn't even enjoy watching it. It was frustrating and made me anxious. Overall, not good for my health.

So for that to be displayed.. publicly to people who know me personally, it really did something. I am just now realizing a lot of things that are wrong with the way I act and the things I tolerate. Is that really something I want to promote? Even if I didn't have my friends to call me out like that, I don't want to be associated with harmful content like that. I can't. Not while I'm also associated with the Most High God. It tells a lot about me and the condition of my heart when I'm doing both.

Also, it's embarrassing. Not like I haven't called them out for their crap before, but I guess it's my turn to be called out.

I'm glad that they did that. It shows they really care and that we all want the same thing. Even long-distance, they can still see everything from a thousand miles away. We've always been honest with each other and I never needed to hide anything from them. If I do have something to hide, that means I'm guilty of something. Even now, I'm keeping my crunchyroll account connected to keep that accountability because I don't want the choices I made to continue and make me feel worse.

I believe it was also partly divine intervention, tbh. God knew what I was doing the whole time. Meanwhile, I was pretending to be okay with the fact that I just couldn't hear from Him the way I usually do. Which was definitely because I blocked everything out while I was looking for something to waste my time on.

Just because this happened doesn't mean I'm a terrible person, though. I am repenting and I know I'm forgiven. I know my friends will forgive me, too. They've had times worse than this and they know exactly what it's like. That's why we have each other. This might even be what our whole friendship is about.