childhood trauma

mother, why must our bond be so complicated?

why must things be this way?

i know it could be better 

you care for me when i’m sick,

comfort me when i’m upset, 

yet at the same time,

you make me feel a regret for existing,

you still see me as your daughter but not your son,

and you appear to see me as younger than i am 

it is not normal for a child to seem fearful when performing a task in front of someone else 

it is not normal for a child to worry that they will be yelled at if they mess up 

it is not normal for a child to experience shock when someone is kind to them 

mother, there are times where i question if you truly love me

and there are times where i question if i truly love you 

one second we say that we love each other,

and then another second fight with each other 

but i remain silent when we fight, 

i do not want to anger you any further,

and i know you will not listen to me anyway 

you have taught me to stay silent,

but the silence is out of fear 

you have taught me to be afraid, 

in times where fear is unnecessary 

you have taught me to make myself suffer, 

as apparently self-care is weak,

“life isn’t easy”, so i have no reason to care for myself

at least, that is what you think 

you’ve painted my nails, 

given me hugs, 

supported me when i’ve needed you,

but simultaneously, 

you’ve made me angrier,

more anxious, 

and less trusting,

but i still love you anyway 

you build me up only to break me,

but i still love you anyway 

you tell me i can do anything, 

then tell me i can’t, 

but i still love you anyway 

i promise myself daily that i will never be like you

but at the same time,

i still love you